


Putting on a Brave Face

by pineapplecake64



Category: IRL - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Heavy Angst, Hurt Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Other, Sad Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Sapnap Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, sapnap - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:07:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29355459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pineapplecake64/pseuds/pineapplecake64
Summary: Sapnap is not coping well after being bed bound for weeks with spiraling mental health
Comments: 18
Kudos: 154





	1. Spiraling

**Author's Note:**

> TW// Self Harm, Eating Disorder, Mental Health Issues, Intrusive Thoughts
> 
> PLEASE NOTE THE TW AND DON'T READ ON IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY ANYTHING MENTIONED
> 
> if there isn't anything that I haven't messaged that you want me to add let me know
> 
> This in no means is an accurate depiction of Sapnap instead this is more a portral of a sad character (maybe a little bit of projection) that has Sapnap has been used for, if he states he is uncomfortable at any point I will oblige and take this down
> 
> AGAIN HUGE TW PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE TRYING TO TRIGGER YOURSELF OR FEEL YOU MIGHT TRIGGER

Today wasn’t a good day, you know the days that are just not ok well today has been one of them, well more like it has been a terrible week. Sapnap logged off his computer after the recording of a new video for George’s channel with his two best friends as he was exhausted from plastering on a smile to make everyone think he was ok. 

He sat there at his desk as the computer screen light flickered and dimmed as he zoned out not thinking about anything in particular. He had no idea how long he had sat there but the sudden announcement of a discord call stirred him, it was Karl. Sapnap hesitated tempted to let it ring out, but he cursed as he realised he hadn’t gone on ghost mode even though he could lie and say he just wasn’t at his computer it felt wrong to ignore when that is all he has been doing all week. 

He hovered over the join call button and as he heard the familiar ring of him connecting, he automatically went to adjust his headphones. “Hey Sapnap!” Karl said seeming a bit surprised “We haven’t talked in ages and I wanted to check in with you” Karl said ‘Sure he probably accidently called you, you should just hang up and leave save him the embarrassment’. Sapnap waited for Karl to apologies and say he made a mistake and he meant to call Quackity or Dream or George. Instead, there was silence, Sapnap unsure what to say hesitantly replies “Yeah I guess so, how are you?”. “Yeah good, I have been working on my new tales of the smp episode, you should totally be apart of the next on it will be so much fun as we going to explore an abandoned castle.” Karl exclaims very excitedly; ‘He is just giving you an invite to make you feel better he doesn’t actually want you there,’ “Um sure… when is it?” Sapnap asks hesitantly. “Awesome, I will send you a date when I am able to confirm I am so excited it is going to be epic!" as Karl rambles on about the plot of the episode while Sapnap zones out again.

“Sapnap” Karl says, “Huh?” Sapnap replies, “Oh sorry I must of zoned out at the end but it sounds awesome Karl, I am so proud of you” Sapnap says trying to reassure Karl. “Yeah! I am glad you get to be apart of it” Karl says. ‘Yeah because you will never be as good of a streamer as him, he always puts in so much effort when you don’t even bother, you are just so lazy and you don’t deserve all the fans you get,’ “Me too” Sapnap lies. “Have you been working on any new projects yourself?” Karl asks so innocently. Sapnap bites his tongue as he has to look away from his monitor for a moment to stare out the window and his hands start playing with wire for his headphones. “Umm” Sapnap stalls trying to desperately think, because in reality he hasn’t made content in weeks, his ideas running dry as well as his lack of enthusiasm although he feels so ungrateful, I mean there are so many people that want his place that would deserve being here rather then him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to record something or hit that go live button. 

“Yeah, I have a couple of videos that should be bangers hopefully coming out soon” Sapnap said ‘Liar’. “Oh awesome!” Karl replies seeming a little relieved, does he know I am lying? God I am such an idiot and a bad liar why would he believe that. “Well, I can’t wait!” Karl exclaims. “Mhm me too” Sapnap replies as the lie spills from his lips. In reality Sapnap hadn’t gotten out of bed all week and was only forced to when the boys needed to record a video. He sat in a hoodie that hasn’t been washed in god knows how many weeks as he runs his fingers through his greasy hair he realises he hasn’t had a shower either. He sniffs and realises he reeks 'god he is so hopeless he can’t even fucking shower, he is so lazy.'

“Sapnap” Karl calls, “Mhm” Sapnap replies, “Are you ok?” Karl asks and Sapnap laughs nervously, “Yeah, why do you ask?” ‘was it that obvious that he wasn’t ok god he is so hopeless he can’t do anything right’. “Oh that’s good I just noticed you keep zoning out” Karl says hesitantly, “Yeah I didn’t get much sleep last night and I am pretty knacked after the recording session for George, that’s all.” Sapnap says, “Oh well you should go take a nap then and eat something and take care of yourself” Karl replies, “Yeah you’re right, I will talk to you later Karl” Sapnap says as they exchange goodbyes and part ways. 

He sighs as he closes discord and opens up Spotify to put on his favourite playlist ‘Vibez’. He puts it on shuffle before leaning back in his chair. He closes his eyes and hums to the music before being disrupted by the sound a hungry stomach. Damn I need to eat something but what? He pauses the music and sets his headphones down making his way to the kitchen to see what he has. He opens each cabinet door and the fridge to find no signs of food apart from a tin of peas and a bag of pasta as well a couple pieces of fruit that look like they have been there for way to long to be edible. 

Damn he needs to go grocery shopping at some point, and he makes a mental note. He moves back towards the comfort of his bedroom scrounging around hunting for the whereabouts of his missing phone he finally finds it in between the bed and cabinet by his bed completely dead, “Oh” he exclaims. It must have been dead for a while but for how long he does not exactly know. He moves to the charger sitting by his bed plugging in the phone for it to charge as he waits, he sits on his bed and he can look outside the window that he had opened for the first time in weeks to get some much-needed fresh air.

The phone flashes bright as the phone lights up ready to be used and Sapnap pulls it into his hand desperately flicking to Uber Eats. He scrolls through the many options hungrily. Suddenly he stops 'do you really need all that food; I mean you should probably not eat otherwise you will gain weight then no one will ever love you.’ He feels sick as he hesitates before quickly closing the app and in the process slamming down the phone on his desk. 

He rushes into the bathroom with his head spinning and feeling disorientated and sick. He does not remember falling but he wakes up on the cold bathroom floor with a headache, he groans and tries to stand up but fails. He sits there feeling miserable, should he call someone? ‘No he would just be bothering them he is a grown adult he should be able to try and work it out himself besides no one would want to help him.’ He throws up violently in the toilet. He starts shaking as he tries to get up again only to fail, he starts to cry as tears stream down his face he desperately whimpers and falls apart right on his bathroom floor. ‘Pathetic, all you are good for is to be a cry baby.’ They are right, he drags himself over to the counter and goes searching through the drawer to find what he was looking for, his razor blade for shaving. He carefully removes the blade, and the plastic part falls to the floor and is ignored as Sapnap feels the coolness of the blade as he plays with it in his hand. Does he really want to do this? ‘Yes, this is what you deserve you ugly fat pig’. 

He sighs and gives in terrified to make the first cut he pauses as the razor sits just above his wrist. ’Do it coward,’ he draws a steady line with the blade but not deep enough to draw blood as he winces, it was painful but a good pain he felt he deserved it. ‘Deeper idiot or are you too scared, yeah I bet you are’ “I am not I will show them” he says as he goes in deeper this time a little lower than before. It felt good as he watched the blood pool and seep out as he sat there mesmerised. He did it again and again cut after cut until he couldn’t anymore, he dropped the blade and stumbled to his bed not bothering to clean anything he passed out.


	2. Streams And Laughs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No tw I don't think let me know if there is anything I have missed

**_Dream’s POV_ **

As he finishes up the recording and says his goodbyes to George and Sapnap, he exits the discord call he sighs a breath of relief. While he is happy to be with his friends it is also lovely to have some time alone with his thoughts. He flicks over to Spotify to shuffle through his cool bops playlist before opening his web browser and typing in twitter.com. He flicks through it on his main account checking through to see what he had missed. Not much apart from a couple of tweets from fans about lore and missing him. He chuckled, maybe he should go live later? It would make the fans happy.

He switched over to discord and quicky messaged George, ‘ _hey I might go live on twitch to do some speed-running the game if you would like join me’_ he read over the message once before hitting send and periodically switching to Sapnap’s messages and sending the same thing. He realised he was hungry, and he should eat something.

He set down his headphones and made his way to the kitchen picking up his phone and pocketing it on his way out, Patches following in tow curious as to what the human could possibly be doing. Dream opened the fridge to rummage around and find something fitting to eat, settling on a jar of pickles as a snack he decided he will order some food later after the stream. He felt something tickle his leg as he looked down, he found Patches weaving in between his legs and staring up at him longingly asking for food. “hi Patches, yes I will get you food cat” Dream cooed as he closed the fridge and set down his jar of pickles. He opened the cupboard to find the cat food and mixed the wet and dried food together before setting it down next to her as she ran towards it and started gulping. “I swear it is like you never get fed you spoilt cat” Dream laughed.

The phone buzzed as a message came through from George, “hey” it read. Dream started to type “hey, what’s up?” “not much,” George typed back “I just wanted to ask what time you were going to stream?” “Umm…” Dream checked the time, and it was 9:30 by this point. “Probs in about half an hour” Dream typed “cool, see yah then” George sent, “yeah see yah soon” Dream typed while scooping up his pickles and trying to avoid the cat making his way to the couch. Awkwardly throwing his phone on the couch he plonked down and unscrewed the lid before grabbing the remote and flicking on the TV. The sound blared as he scrolled through the channels mindlessly trying to find something to watch. He finally decided on a basketball game and he sat there eating pickles and enjoying the game lost in the moment. He jumped when suddenly, a furry creature found their way beside him. “Oh, it is just you, hi baby” he said to Patches. Patches proceeded to curl up on his lap and fall asleep blissfully making Dream’s heart melt, he loved her so much he has no idea what he would do without her.

Suddenly 10 rolled around and Dream was scrambling to get up and get ready for his stream completely disregarding the pickle jar that fell on the floor spilling juice everywhere and the very unhappy cat that had been awoken from her beauty sleep. He cursed as he awoke his pc and discord messages came pinging through, many from other’s that he could read later and one from George asking where the hell he is but none from Sapnap. Hmm he must have fallen asleep I mean it is pretty late and he has college tomorrow. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake Patches and I lost track of time” Dream typed “Lmao, vc in our groupchat?” George asked. “Yeah” he replied, he clicked on the join vc and heard George enter not a second after him “hey George” Dream says happy to see him again. “Hey, I heard you got held up by a cat” George teased “shut up Gogy” Dream teased back. “I’m going live now ok” Dream reminded George.

He made sure Streamslabs was up and running and he hovered over the go live button, he breathed and clicked it. He waited in anticipation as they started rolling in, “hi everyone, I missed you” Dream announced, I am gonna wait a little bit then I can say what I am doing today but it is just going to be a bit of a chill stream today. He glanced at his recordings and double checked to make sure everything was ok and they could hear him fine. Once he was happy the notification had been sent out and a stream of hi’s could be seen in the chat. “Hi everyone!” says Dream “I missed you all, I am so glad to be back” “today, I was just gone be more chill speed running and I have George here to keep me company” Dream explains “hi” the British man replies as the chat spams Gogy. They ended up streaming for 2 hours laughing and joking and telling childhood stories before Dream ended it for the night, thanking some donations and even getting a little emotional at the overwhelming support and love every individual gives to the community. “BYEEEE” he shouted down the mic before the stream switched over to raid another speed runner, Illumina.

He was left in the call with George, tired but content he switched over to twitter to see what he had missed, and he decided to flick through so fanart as George was on deafen. He came across a couple flicking through and liking them before he came across a dnf one of him and George kissing in a hot tub. I know what will make the fans go crazy as he proceeded to like the tweet before scrolling along.

“Hi, I’m back sorry” George apologized as he made a noise in his chair as he readjusted, “it’s fine” Dream reassures George. “so you finished the stream?” George asked, “yeah, it was nice most of them are so sweet they seem to really enjoy the lowkey streams except a couple of them kept asking where Sapnap is and I have no idea my guess is he passed out after recording” Dream says, “mhm probably” George replied. Dream’s stomach rumbled as he checked the time it was almost 12:30am. “Hmm what should I get for dinner George?” Dream asked, “what you haven’t had dinner, are you crazy?” George says alarmed “hmm, guess I must be” Dream teases back “sure… anyway I think you should get chick-fil-a” George says, “but they’re homophobic” Dream jokes “how can a restaurant be homophobic?” George asks generally curious. "Oh don’t ask that on stream you will be cancelled” Dreams laughs as he brings up Uber Eats and flicks through the menu, “hmmm maybe just a wrap and chips would be good” Dream hesitates before deciding that is what he is going to get and places his order. “It says It should be here in 15-20 minutes, in the meantime what do you want to do George?” Dream asks, “we should play some bedwars” George suggests, “sounds good” Dream agrees.

They both get really into it playing heaps of rounds and even winning a couple but loosing most. “You know Dream I am the one carrying this team, you need to step up your game” George gloats “says the person that fell off the map multiple times while speed bridging, I would say you are far from even being remotely good.” Dream carries on about how he is better before the doorbell rings, “oh that is my food I should go” Dream exclaims, “bye George!” “bye Dream!” George replies as they both log off.

Dream slowly gets up and walks to the front door, grabbing his wallet in the bowl and opening it to greet a young girl holding the bag he gives her a tip, grabs the back and gives her a quick thankyou before closing the door and making his way back to the kitchen. He opens the bag to the smell of chicken inside making his poor stomach rumble. He licks his lips as he bites into the delicious food, he finishes it in a couple of mouthful’s feeling satisfied he packs it away and disposes the rest of it in the bin. He makes his way to the couch only now noticing the large stain on the carpet, damn he is going to have to get it dry cleaned. He sighed and picked up the jar and set it on the coffee table, before deciding to retreat to the confinements of his bedroom deciding to deal with it tomorrow.

He entered his ensuite bathroom to see himself in the mirror staring back at him his dirty blonde hair framing his face as it is getting long and needs a cut. He messes with his hair a little before giving up and turning to the task of brushing his teeth. Once he had completed that he made his way to the bedroom and changed into pyjama’s before collapsing into bed realising how exhausted he was he passed out without even being able to put his phone on charge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, bit of a more wholesome chapter more angst soon won't spoil it but I am going to keep switching POV like that throughout the book as I have decided it ain't a oneshot anymore, I actually really liked the writing this lowkey chapter let me know if you liked it and if there is anything you might like to see me add in the future, (I am not doing dnf though) don't forget to Kudo's if you liked it thanks


	3. Strange Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Blood, Mention of Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Eating Disorder, Suicidal Tendecy's/Idealation
> 
> DON'T KEEP READING IF ANYTHING HERE TRIGGERS YOU
> 
> if I miss anything please let me know

**Chapter 3**

_Sapnap POV_

He woke up with a pounding headache feeling disorientated and still half sleep. He had no idea what had happened or how he got into bed as the last thing he remembers is recording with George and Dream. He lays there for a second not ready to face the day, he contemplates going back to sleep but as he moved his arm, he noticed it felt sticky like it was covered in something. He sat up and pulled up his sleeve to realise it was dried blood. What happened last night? He have no idea, he battled the idea of cleaning it later but realised his hoodie and sheets were covered with it, he sighed as he knew he had to get up and clean it.

He started with the hoodie peeling it off and chucking it in the washing hamper already filled with clothes that hadn’t been washed in weeks and spilling on to the ground around him he looked around to see if there was anything even remotely clean to wear which there wasn’t, might as well wash the blood before I tackle what I am going to wear. He walked shirtless to the bathroom and avoided looking in the mirror instead turning on the tap and trying to scrub the blood not caring about the pain of the fresh cuts underneath. He finished and surveyed the damage. Seems to be about 10 on his left and 5 on his right, not too deep but they were definitely going to scar, how the hell was he going to hide them when Texas is to hot to wear long sleeve, he wasn’t sure. He hadn’t ever self-harmed before despite how bad it has gotten but he guessed he just did it in the moment. He noticed the small splatters of blood pooled on the floor and he went to grab cleaning supplies when he noticed the scale leaning against the bathroom cabinet. He knew he shouldn’t weigh himself but he couldn’t help but be curious as he stepped on the scales.

The number went up fluctuating as Sapnap’s anxiety rose. The scale flashed and displayed 176lbs, that’s 5 pounds in 2 weeks ‘that’s nowhere near enough you need to lose more you are still fat don’t forget’ they were right he was fat. He sighed and started sobbing why couldn’t he be good enough. His friends are so effortlessly skinny and funny and smart and good looking, why does he have to be so ugly. He let the tears fall as he sobbed and sobbed until he couldn’t anymore, exhausted he went to look for the cleaning supplies to keep himself busy to forget his pain. On the way picking up the closest oversized hoodie to mask everything giving a quick sniff to make sure it wasn’t too bad of a smell.

There he found his phone abandoned on the counter and noticed some dm’s so he picked up his phone to read through them, one from Karl saying goodnight and another from his Uni friend asking when was gonna come back to campus and the last one being Dream asking him if he wanted to join his stream last night. Oh, I let him down ‘yeah like you do everyone else that doesn’t surprise me you let down everyone no wonder they hate you’. He refused to start sobbing again and he put down his phone not bothering to answer them as they wouldn’t care anyway, ‘they probably had a great time without you on stream anyway’. Sapnap started looking for his cleaning supplies in the hopes of distracting himself from the reality of the truth. They weren’t tricky to find as the cupboards were quite bare, he made his way back to the bathroom armed with cleaning supplies and got to work at scrubbing the dried blood off the floor and as he worked he found the blade that was caked in blood that he rinsed and tucked in the bottom drawer. Once he finished, he so was exhausted again but he really should try and edit a video so the fans are happy and don’t notice he is struggling although it probably doesn’t help that he hasn’t been online for at least a week now.

He drags himself to the computer after putting the cleaning supplies away. He boots up his pc as the light hits his face lighting up the entire room as he hadn’t bothered to open a window. Like he was on autopilot he opened discord to be faced with a bombardment of messages from Dream, George, Quackity and Karl asking if he is alright as he hadn’t responded. He replied to them all reassuring them was ok he has just been so busy with college you know how it is, ‘Liar’ he knew he was lying in reality he hadn’t been to college in over 2 weeks and he is drowning in unfinished assignments and failing marks making him feel even worse. But anything to keep them happy so they don’t know you are struggling putting on a mask seems so easy online.

He finds the files he needs and opens up the editing software avoiding all the messages coming through. He starts working the painful process of editing a thing he use to enjoy now something he despises doing. He sat there for an hour making decent progress, he needs to get this done and uploaded. He sighs and takes a break to grab an energy drink from the fridge which is the only thing left. He takes a swig before setting down to work again. "Halfway through" he says 4 hours later, he is exhausted and he knows he should be taken breaks but he needs to force himself to do this, so he doesn’t disappoint his fans anymore then they are already. 5 hours later he puts the finishing touches and is done.

He gets up to stretch but suddenly feels woozy, he blacks out and wakes up on the floor damn he must have passed out. He realises he hadn’t eaten anything in over 48 hours, I guess I should go food shopping. Exhausted and wanting to climb into bed again he heads to his cars grabbing his keys and wallet, he decides just to go to the local gas station and pick up some essential items. Hopefully, he isn’t recognised as he seems terrible and he has no idea when he last took a shower. As he pulls in he pulls up the hood of his hoodie and shuffles to grab bread and milk a couple of pieces of fruit, gum and some energy drinks to keep him going.

The cashier says nothing as they ring him up, “that comes to $26.76 would you like to pay cash or card?” they ask, he pulls out his card and the cashier nods for him to tap it. He waits and it declines, what he swears he has enough where did it all go? Not like he has been spending it. “It seems you are short, is there something you would like to take off?” the cashier asks unamused. “Agh just the milk and gum please” Sapnap mumbles, “ok and your new total comes to $19.57” the cashier replies. He taps the card and it goes through, he thanks the cashier and grabs everything that wasn’t left behind before heading back to the car. He is going to have to face it and do a stream tomorrow otherwise he isn’t going to be able to pay for rent but instead of making his way home he finds himself at a bridge.

It is kinda calming watching the water as he sits there and looks over not a care in the world. He wonders what if he just did take his life whether people would care, or would they pretend to care like they all do wishing they could have done something by reaching out instead of waiting until it was to late. No, he needs to at least post the video plus the idea of dying while sounds mildly comforting is a scary thought that he would need to at least plan a little better, so it was successful. He makes his way through the front door to a quiet house it seems so lonely now he thinks about it. He drops off the grocery before making his way to the pc to double check over the video before posting. Hopefully, that should make the fans happy, he says and satisfied he retires to the comfort of his warm bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so first off happy valentine's to anyone reading this. Unfortunately Valentine is spoiled for most here was we went into another 5 day lockdown where we can't leave our houses so... I hope you are enjoying so far I know it isn't anywhere near the quality of other stories on the platform but I haven't honestly done writing in years it is nice to get back into and this is my first angst book too. Let me know if there is anything that needs fixing. Oh and yes I changed the name of the fic I was unsure what to originally call it but now I have a name that kinda fits
> 
> Also if you ever feel this way please reach out to someone I promise there are people out there who care you aren't alone
> 
> Australian 13 11 14  
> Canada 1-833-456-4566  
> UK 0800 58 58 58  
> US 1-800-273-8255
> 
> and if you are in any immediant danger call your emergency services


	4. Visiting Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No tw

Dream’s POV

Dream was seeing family for the first time in weeks as it was his younger sister’s birthday, therefore he was taking a break from being online today which was something he didn’t realise he needed. As and he woke up so ecstatic to see his sister and brother’s again. He misses the great chats and banter they all have and he loves being able to catch up and see what they have been up to. He texts George and Sapnap good morning as usual before having a quick scroll through the messages, but he decides to use this opportunity to avoid twitter for the day.

Once he finishes, he puts his phone down and starts getting ready for the day, collecting a fresh towel from the linen cupboard he makes his way to the shower. He hangs his towel and turns on the water waiting for it to heat up patiently before stepping inside. He washes himself and steps out and wraps a towel around himself to turn to the fogged up mirror, he wipes it with his hand to see a freckled face stare back at him. He smiles with pearly white teeth before grabbing his hairbrush from the cupboard and runs it through his dirty blonde hair before parting it. Satisfied he left the bathroom and went to rummage for a good outfit, having a hard time choosing he finally settled on blue jeans and colourful striped collared shirt with his checker vans and a belt (we can pretend he has style this good). He looked in the full-length mirror in the hopes that would at least be semi formal standards. 

He gave up contemplating and instead walked to the kitchen to an awaiting companion desperate for food. “Yes, yes I know I am getting you food now” he assures Patches. Scooping the dry food and placing it in her bowl she was happy enough and he turned to what he was going to eat. He settled on toast and popped two pieces in the toaster, as he was waiting, he left to turn the TV as background noise. He came back to the toast being done, which he quickly spread butter and jam on before taking a bite and moving to the living room. He sat at the couch to finish his toast as he was watching Grey’s Anatomy on TV. He finished quickly and decided he better get on his way as it is a two-and-a-half-hour drive to their house from here. He sighed as he collected his keys, phone and wallet and said his goodbye to Patches who had retreated to her cat bed in his room.

He got into his car in the carpark and turned the key, he plugged in his phone to the audio jack and blasted his car jams playlist. He crept forward in the car and exited the carpark onto the street. He flew down the roads jamming to his tunes and singing his little heart out, enjoying the drive. It was beautiful as Florida is so lovely when it is bright and warm with no cloud’s in the sky. All of a sudden he had arrived and he was beaming by this point. He turned off the car as his sister came flying out to meet him. He barely got out of the car before she was all over him giving him a massive hug. “Hi Drista how are you? I am missed you so much, my god you have grown” Dream exclaims. “I know, sometime soon I will be taller then you” she teases back. He missed the banter as he chuckled lightly, squeezing her tightly never wanting to let go. “I’ll grab the bags let’s go inside shall we?” Drista asks. “Yeah sure” he says. 

He was greeted by his mum and dad with open arms. Soon followed by his younger brother, “Where is Sarah? Isn’t she supposed to be here?” Dream asked concerned. “Yeah, she was but she got held up at work” Mum reassured him. “Oh, ok,” he says, “So how have you all been?” he asks as he makes himself comfortable at the counter. “Oh, you know same old” says Drista rolling her eyes. “I heard that you got invited for a science award?” Dream asked her. “Yeah, I did, which is awesome” Drista says very happy. “Very nice” Dream agrees “And what have you been up to little brother” Dream asks. “Oh you know same old, I wish I could be a youtuber like you” Dream’s brother admits. “Well you can, I am happy to help set that up for you if you would like to start” Dream reassures him. “Really? You would do that?” Dream’s brother said excitedly. “Yes of course anything for my brother,” Dream says, “I want you to do the best and enjoy it in the process”. Dream’s brother had a sudden twinkle in his eye picturing all the streamer things he could so. Dream laughed at the enthusiasm for the boy but he loved it and knew as a kid that was the motivation that kept him sticking with it as long as he did. “Well dinner should be ready in 5 so why don’t you all go wash your hands and set the table” Dream’s Mum announced to the three of them.

They all left quickly to go wash up before coming back to an amazing dinner, his and Drista’s favourite. Roasted lamb with potato wedges and vegetables. Dream licked his lips and sat down to the wonderful feast provided. They talked and laughed for ages, sharing stories and comments on anything you can think of. They cleaned up and sung happy birthday and ate cake. They danced to music and sung their hearts out enjoying every ounce of time spent together. They finally sat down in the living room and opened presents, Drista got a range of things including some makeup, earring and giftcards. 

Then Dream had his presents to give, they were heavy and fragile so they required extra help in bringing in from the car. Drista had no idea what they were and she was very curious indeed. She was hesitant to open them before Dream’s younger brother said “Just open the goddamn thing woman” and they all laughed. They watched as she teared off the wrapping to find a new pc underneath. She gasped unable to form words as she was so excited. “I knew how much thee two of you wanted to start streaming so I have bought you both setup’s, which you will both get on your birthday that I can come and help you build and setup” Dream explained, she ran and hugged him and whispered “thankyou”. Dream broke out in a smile, “Well you should open the rest” Dream said. She did and was so excited blabbering no stop as she explained each part.

She finally opened it all and they decided on watching movies for the rest of the night. “What do you want to choose for movie night” Dream’s dad asked “Hmmm, can we please watch The Lion King, it’s my favourite” Drista pleased. “Of course anything for my favourite sister, oop did I say that outloud” Dream practically yelled. They all laughed and sat down with snacks on the couch, and of course Drista sung every song. By the time it finished they were all exhausted and ready for bed. Dream decided to crash in the spare room instead and leave tomorrow as he was too exhausted to drive, poor Patches but she can survive one night he did leave out food just in case. He didn’t even have pj’s, so his dad had to lend him some of his old man pyjama’s which made everyone laugh. He flopped into the spare bed too exhausted for anything he fell into a dreamless sleep.

He awoke to the smell of something delicious in the other room and decided to go check it out, his mum had made pancakes. “Morning sleepyhead I thought you might need something good for the road” Dream’s mum says, “Thanks I can always count on you” Dream says back. He ate breakfast while having a good chat before deciding he had to get to Patches before she missed him to much. He went and changed back into his old clothes before saying goodbye to everyone. He shuffled his playlist and drove off home, stopping only to get gas and an ice cream on the way. 

He got home to a cat asking where the hell he had been like a mother asks their young child after they go to a party, full of questions she was. Dream apologised over and over for leaving but to no avail she goes off in a grump. He pulls out his phone on the way to the couch and notices that George is live. He decides to go watch I wonder what he could be up to, before long he is spotted and George goes oh hi Dream come join vc. Dream sighs and makes his way to the PC, he boots it up and opens discord.

“Hi, what did you want?” Dream snaps, “Wow way to greet a friend,” George says sarcastically “What have you been up to Dream?” George asks. “Well to be honest I went and visited family yesterday and just spent time with them” Dream replies. The whole chat awwwsss, “Oh look now you are farming aww’s in chat Dream” George teases. They talk for a little more before George ends, they end up watching a movie in discord together before George starts falling asleep. “You should go to sleep George” Dream says yawning “You should also it seems” George replies. “Yeah goodnight Gogy” Dream says “Goodnight Dream” George says back as he leaves the call. Dream sighs and goes to find Patches. He finds her on the end of the couch, as he lifts her up and brings her to bed she protests but doesn’t squirm away. She settles as he pulls himself under the covers, goodnight Patches is the last thing he says before he is out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wholesome inbetween nice chapter, hope you enjoy. Leave Kudo's if you did and comment your fav chapter so far. Thanks for all the love and support so far on the fanfic it is really appreciated.


	5. Jackbox with the Boyz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Bad Eating Habits, Intrusive Thoughts, Self Harm, Description of Blood, Bullying
> 
> PLEASE DON'T READ ON IF ANY OF THESE MIGHT TRIGGER YOU 
> 
> let me know if there is something I haven't added

_Sapnap’s POV_

Another day leads to the birds chirping sing song tunes outside his window seemingly to happy for the like’s of Sapnap. He groans and instead of getting up he turns over and tries to fall back asleep seemingly failing to do so he instead lies there watching the celling not wanting to leave the comfort of his bed. But alas he remembers he must stream today otherwise he will get kicked out of the apartment and having nowhere else he has no idea what he would do. He gathers himself up to at least wake himself up and make himself some breakfast considering he hasn’t eaten anything in close to 3 days and he doesn’t feel like starvation is the best way to go.

He makes his way to the kitchen and grabs a slice of bread and a banana; he makes himself banana on toast and tries to convince himself it is healthy. ‘It is all just good for nothing carbs that you don’t need why do you bother to starve if you are going to ruin it’. He sighs and tries to ignore the voices as he forces a couple of bites before having to abandon the toast. He picks up an energy drink instead and makes his way back to his room purposely avoiding the phone.

He boots up his computer and as he waits, he pops the drink and takes a swig. It is so sweet and caffeinated it made him feel the most alive he has felt in weeks. He logs on and immediately checks to see how the video is doing, about 200k so far which isn’t bad but he wishes he could be better like George and Dream who are so effortlessly funny. Sapnap decides to check the comments which are probably a bad idea but he does it anyway, a couple of nice comments but then he comes across a hateful comment. ‘Ewww I hate his voice and the video is so uninteresting without your friends, you should just quit.’ Usually he wouldn’t let it get to him but he was so stressed although there were some people that came to his rescue he can’t help but etch the comment into his mind. He tries to shake it off but it keeps coming back, looming telling him all he is, is a disappointment to others and himself.

He sighs and holds back silent tears as he decides to start stream to get his mind off of it of course with facecam off so the viewers weren’t seeing his face as he didn’t look too good. He looms over the start stream button with his mouse contemplating going back to bed and dealing with the consequences later but he knew he just couldn’t do that. He counted 3, 2, 1 and he clicked go live with a sigh of relief as the starting stream soon screen came up. He waited as the viewers flooded in all very excited to see him saying how much they missed him and how they loved the new video. No-one suspected a thing, he was perfectly ok according to everyone else.

But all of a sudden George dmed him asking if the can join, and Sapnap’s stomach dropped. How was he suppose to act ok if his friend was in the call? ‘Sure’ Sapnap typed and George called him and Sapnap answered, “hi chat” Sapnap said, I am happy you all liked the new shock collar video it was very fun to make. “Today we are just going to be speedrunning and I am joined by Gogy, wanna say hi” said Sapnap “Hi chat I hope you all are doing well," said George. They laughed and joked for about 20 minutes in which Sapnap slowly made his way through to the nether before dying to a wither skeleton. ‘Of course you have to go and die idiot, you are so bad at the game no one wants to see you play’ but he shakes it off and keeps playing.

Having George there helped make him feel a bit better and even Quackity soon popped into the stream for a bit. After 2 hours and plenty of donations he ends with raiding Quackity as he decided to go live. ‘You want me to stay for the stream Quackity?’ Sapnap typed to Quackity. ‘If you haven’t got anything else to do that would be great I am trying to throw together a Jackbox stream,’ ‘oh cool I will stay then’ Sapnap reassures Quackity. Sure enough they were able to get a lobby of the feral boys Bad and Puffy to join and so they start. They played a couple of quiplash and break the internet before finishing with the rapping. “Dream vs Sapnap ohhhh here we go” Quackity exclaims, Sapnap goes first and does pretty well then Dream goes. You are 19 but you have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy, you are so immature go sitdown and play with your toys. You think you’re so handsome we’ve heard it before, just know it’s all just a bit no one wants you no more oohhh” Dream screams down his mic and everyone says how he got owned.

Sapnap went quiet and silently a tear ran down his, is that really what he thinks of me ‘Yes dumbass, didn’t you know that before no one likes you they put up with you because they feel sorry for you’. No one noticed his silence in the loud call until he got a ping from Bad ‘hey are you ok, you seem kinda quiet for a sec it’s all just for fun and no one means it, ily’ it read. ‘Yeah I am fine, just sad to see such poor taste in the viewers I obviously won that’ Sapnap replied jokingly. ‘Haha yeah I voted for you Sapnap dw’ Bad typed. “Sapnap” he heard his name being called, “Yes?” he asked, “Oh good you are alive for a sec I thought you had left” said Quackity. “No I am still here” Sapnap said, the comments from earlier and the video running through his mind. The game ends and Sapnap decides he had enough and announced he was leaving, “what? you can’t leave!” Quackity exclaimed. “Yeah sorry, some things came up” Sapnap lied, it wasn’t very believable, but no one commented on it. 

He said goodbye and left ignoring the messages that came through from Dream and Karl he logged off the pc and made his way to the kitchen to find his abandoned phone. It was dead as he suspected, as he made his way back to the bed he didn’t bother to change or even brush his teeth. He plugged in his phone and waiting for it to gain life again by staring at the celling. The phone lit up and he automatically went to twitter to see what he had missed. He was scrolling through when he found a hate account, he clicked on to find multiple comments on his body, appearance and personality picking him apart ruthlessly. He read every single one before coming to the most recent one, ‘you know Sapnap should just kill himself, the group would be better without him anyway’.

He starts to spiral setting down his phone he is struggling to breath unable to think he clambers out of bed and slides onto the floor tears in his eyes. Struggling to breath he sobs and gasps unable to form words he lets out a feeble help but no one is there to help him. He could call someone but that means pulling someone away from the game and he didn’t want to bother anyone. Instead he clambers to the bathroom and goes searching for something, he knows it is thrown in the bottom drawer somewhere. He finds it and sits on the floor still unable to breath he holds a shaky hand to his wrist the comments racing through his mind. A call rings out from the other room on his phone but he ignores it, it might be Dream calling to apologise, but he shouldn’t worry what he said was true and the person was right he should kill himself. Dream calls again and again to no answer, it’s ok he will give up soon enough. But Dream is persistent, so Sapnap went over to the phone and with a shaky hand he is able to put it on silent. Tears fall as he makes his way back to the bathroom and finds himself holding the metal blade to his wrist again. He breaths a semi steady breath and makes the first incision, beads of blood pool together and spill into the sink as he makes another one deeper this time. He is able to breath again, but he keeps going with the blade until he had made at least another 10 deep cuts on each arm decorating them in wounds and blood. He washes them under the tap until he stops bleeding, the fresh wounds stinging. He climbs into his bathtub too tired to make his way to bed he falls asleep there in an awkward position.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi quite a bit if angst at the end of this one, hope you enjoy again reminder if you are struggling with anything metioned please reach out to someone 
> 
> Australian 13 11 14  
> Canada 1-833-456-4566  
> UK 0800 58 58 58  
> US 1-800-273-8255
> 
> and if you are in any immediant danger call your emergency services
> 
> Hope you enjoy as always if there is something I need to fix please let me know


	6. Flirtful Outings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no tw I can think of

Dream POV

Dream woke up to a warm body next to him. It seems the cat had forgiven him and decided to stay as the warmth was better than being mad at him for any longer. He smiled and picked up his phone scrolling through twitter with one hand and petting Patches with the other. The sun shined in and the birds chirped, and he knew it was going to be a good day. He sent a good morning text to the boys and decided to do a small qna on his private account. Good morning :) he typed, qna time ask me anything. He checked over to make sure he was happy and tweeted.

Immediately comments came through asking him a range of questions. He read one that said, I really want to get into YouTube and streaming but I am unsure where to start, any tips? He responded with, enjoy it and don’t push yourself otherwise you will burn out quickly and upgrade parts as you go, I started doing it on laptop and as I gained an income, I was able to upgrade to better parts so don’t worry how you start out, good luck with everything and I hope for the best. 

He kept scrolling till one asking him about Patches caught his eye. Hi Dream it read, I hope you are having a good day. I wanted to ask when is Patches’ birthday and how did you get her? Love the content, keep it up! it read. He replied, hello! I am so glad you enjoy the content thankyou for all your support it is really appreciated. As for Patches I got her when I was with my ex-girlfriend as she wanted a cat, we got her on Valentine’s day so that’s her birthday hope that helps. He reread over and sent it before moving on to answering a couple of more. Last one he answers is the most commented question, when is the Dream team meeting up. He responses and says, hopefully soon considering that COVID is over and everything is back too normal, I will ask the boys and see what I can arrange although we all have busy schedules so no promises. They will like that reply, he says before clicking send. 

In the 2 seconds that he said that dttw started going crazy as word spread like wildfire. He laughed scrolling through his timeline as everyone got excited. All of a sudden, he got a text from George, what the hell? It read, why is why twitter going haywire? He laughed, deciding to call George instead of text him back. George picked up straight away, “Dream?! What the hell did you do?” George screamed down the phone causing Dream just to wheeze back. “Well?” George asked, “Well I may have said I was planning on asking you guys to meet up” Dream replied slyly. “Without letting us know first?” George yelled again, “Dream what an earth were you thinking? “Well I was thinking it is probably a good time now anyway and we could rent somewhere, I would rather Florida but it might have to be Texas as Sapnap is still busy with college, but if I remember correctly he said it will be on break in a week anyway so what better time” Dream says. “I guess, but do you know how long?” George asked, “I haven’t worked out the details, I wanted to ask you guys first before I did look at anything of course but since I suggested it, I am happy to pay for your flight and I am sure you can use my set up to stream if I bring it with me.” Dream reassured George. “Well maybe we can get Sapnap in here and ask him his thoughts as he is apart of this decision too” George suggested. “Yeah” Dream said typing a message to Sapnap asking for him to join if he was available. 

They wait a bit talking about other things hoping Sapnap sees the message and joins but to no avail he doesn’t show his face. “Hmm that’s weird, I am sure he is just busy it is a little early and he might even still be asleep,” Dream says “Well I should go and feed Patches and have a shower, but I will talk to you later I think that Quackity was trying to throw a Jackbox stream together” Dream says “Ok, I am going to go take a nap” George says and Dream laughs causing George to hang up. Dream sent him a sad face before walking to the kitchen to a now up and demanding cat in need of food. 

He set it down and went about making his breakfast deciding on making eggs. Making a mental note that he needed to grab some groceries today he made an omelette singing to Quadeca. He finished up and sent Quackity a text asking what time he was planning to stream and being meet with a quick response saying that he wants to at 9pm est. ‘Cool, see you then’ Dream replies. That gives him about 12 hours to do whatever he wants. Great, I will go and do some shopping then I am sure I can edit another video for my second channel after. He makes his way to the bathroom to shower and brush his teeth before wrapping a towel around his torso and went to his closet to decide what he wanted to wear, hmm. He had a hard time deciding but just put-on jeans and a t-shirt as it is hot in Florida. He put them on before grabbing his wallet and keys calling out goodbye to Patches as he opened the front door immediately being hit with a wave of heat, he groaned. Why is it so goddam hot in Florida? He mumbled, opening his car door and immediately jamming in the keys and cranking the aircon. 

Running around he went and picked up some fan mail, took care of some merch related things and went to the groceries. He decided to treat himself and stopped at a frozen yogurt place on the way home. He walked into the place as was greeted by a young girl, “Hi” she said with a big smile on her face. “Hi” he replied with a smile. He walked up to grab a cup and filled it with a chocolate and vanilla yogurt before heading to the toppings station. He felt like he was being watched as he scooped on his m&m’s. He turned around to the girl staring at him before looking way clearly embarrassed. He smiled and turned back to pay for his yogurt. He thanked the lady serving him dropping a tip in the jar, he grabbed a spoon and spooned a bit of yogurt out only to drop it on the floor, he paused and sighed, he heard a laugh and looked up to see the girl watching him, he grimaced. He turned back to get a serviette to clean up the mess and suddenly the girl had approached him, “do you need help sir?” she asked, “Oh no thank you” Dream said hurriedly before walking out depositing the serviette in the bin on the way out leaving her confused. 

He walked back the car yanking his door open and climbing in and slamming it shut before breathing a sigh of relief. He laughed, omg I am so embarrassed she was cute too, oh well time to get home. He drove home and walked into the cool calling out to Patches, he deposited the now empty yogurt container in the bin before returning to his pc booting it up. He scrolled through twitter and twitch only to notice Sapnap was live and he was chatting with George. He needed to edit so he played the stream in the background as he worked. By the time stream time had rolled around he had a good amount done and decided to stop, he got up and grabbed some water before returning and entering the already full vc of the players tonight. Soon they were all having a laugh and having a wonderful time, they played some Quiplash and Break the internet before finishing on some Mad Verse City. He versed Bad then George and finally Sapnap, screaming and shouting that he won in Sapnap’s face he didn’t respond with the usual banter back. All of a sudden Sapnap had to go. It wasn’t like Sapnap to take such great offence to something that they were obviously joking around about, but it got Dream worried that Sapnap reacted the way that he did. Even when Sapnap left Dream couldn’t help but worry but no one else seemed bothered by it. Maybe he was just overreacting and Sapnap just did have other stuff to do. But he sounded so sad? They played for a little longer before Quackity ended it. Dream immediately decided to call Sapnap on his phone but it just rung out. That’s weird it isn’t like him to just leave and not pick up. Dream wasn’t sure what to do it isn’t like Sapnap is an adult that can look after himself he reassured himself. He flicked through his phone searching for a phone number texting them explaining that Sapnap is a friend that have given their number for if anything happened. He got ready for bed and was exhausted as it was a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, bit of a cute chapter that I totally didn't write instead of doing my classwork because online learning already sucks
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos and let me know of anything I hve missed that I need to fix


	7. Trips To Texas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// bad eating habits, vomiting, bullimia?, intrusive thoughts

Sapnap POV

Sapnap woke up in the bathtub, aching and confused as to why he was there. Owwwwfff he groaned sitting up and trying to stretch to get the aches and pains out of his muscles. He scanned around the room and realised he must of fallen asleep last night in the bathtub. He went to stand up only to find himself unable to move from the pain. He waited a moment before trying again, wanting to scream he was able to lift himself out of the bathtub. He noticed a blade sitting abandoned on the counter and realised he must of cut again. Sighing he left the bathroom after hiding the blade in the drawer again. 

He made his way to the kitchen in search of his phone, no not there so he went to his desk. There it sat, he picked it up and realised it was almost dead. He was about to leave it when he noticed a couple of texts. One from Dream asking him to call as him and George wanted to ask something and another from and old friend, he realised he hadn’t caught up in years with. A high school best friend that just drifted apart even though they exchanged numbers. Wow, I can’t believe it, he read the message ‘Hey Nick, I realised I hadn’t talked to you in a hot minute and wanted to check up on you and ask how you are doing? Maybe we can organise a time to go for coffee? Let me know’ Richard. He reread it a couple of times in disbelief, and he quickly responded, ‘Omg hi Richard long time no see, of course let me know when you are free I would love to catch up’ Sapnap wrote before rereading it and deleting it. ‘No that’s dumb he probably doesn’t want to see you, I mean what have you even got to tell him, you are just a good for nothing disappointment?’. He decided he would respond later, and he needed to probably talk to Dream and ask him what he needed. 

Sapnap texted Dream ‘Hey sorry about yesterday, family stuff came up what did you and George need to ask me about?’ Sapnap said and reread before sending. He is waiting patiently lying on the comfort of his bed instead of sitting at his pc, he zoned out and stared into space before he heard the familiar ping of a message, it read ‘Hey Sapnap, yeah me and George are in a call if you wanted to come join?’ Dream sent, ‘Yeah sure let me boot up my pc’ Sapnap typed back. 

He left the comfort of lying on his bed to stumble towards his pc feeling a little lightheaded as the result of not eating anything, but the toast god knows how long ago. He waited a minute hoping for it to clear up before telling himself all he needed to do was get to his PC. He stumbled almost falling multiple times and surprisingly not blacking out. He slumped in his chair and clicked the button to boot up his pc, the glare taking him a second to get use to. He logged in and opened discord, he noticed they were both in a call together on the dream smp discord. They weren’t streaming were they? He couldn’t handle that at the moment after yesterday, he hasn’t checked twitter, but I am sure one person would have noticed his very sudden departure very weird I mean even Dream noticed it as unusual. 

He opened chrome to twitch and noticed Bad was streaming but they were in a separate call. He joined and the announcement of his arrival prompted both George and Dream to greet him. “Hi” they both say, Sapnap puts on a fake happy and said “Hi” back. “Well I am going to get straight to the point because I know Bad wanted us to be back on stream I don’t know if you want to join us Sapnap but,” Dream said but he paused. Sapnap was worried his heart raced, did they know? Were they going to confront him? Should he leave? “Well, me and George were wondering if we were to rent an apartment for a week or two whether you would want to you know hang and meet up?” Dream said all of a sudden very excitedly. “Huh? Oh yeah sure” Sapnap said, “Oh.. I thought you would have been more excited” said George, ‘damnit, why couldn’t he at least try and be happy, but if they came here they would know and he didn’t want them to know because they would leave him on the sight of him’. “Oh yeah sorry I am very excited that sounds awesome!” Sapnap said trying to sound more enthused. “Yeah, I was wanting to know when college ended so we can come after that, I know you said you finish in a week or something’ Dream said. ‘College, he was suppose to go but he has surely failed that like everything else’. “Oh yeah I am finished actually in a week” Sapnap said trying to sound reassuring. “Oh perfect Dream said, I will start looking for apartments and we can flights booked, I am going to probably drive over and George will fly and we can use just the one setup” Dream said. “That sounds good, I am already looking for flights” said George excitedly. 

They started to discuss plans while Sapnap zoned out for a couple of minutes only bought in to his name being called “Sapnap” Dream called. “Yes, sorry I was distracted by something” Sapnap said. “You sure?” Dream asked. ‘Don’t say no or they will leave you’ “Yeah, I am probably just hungry” Sapnap said regretting it as soon as it came out of his mouth. “When did you last eat today?” Dream asked not accusingly but sounding like he was asking rather in a voice of concern for Sapnap. “Um, I haven’t eaten anything” Sapnap admitted. “It’s 3pm Sapnap, you need to eat,” Dream said. ‘He is only trying to fatten you up so he feels he has an excuse to not hang out with you’ “I tell you what, I can order you something and I will eat something also ok” Dream said. “I am not a baby Dream” Sapnap said rolling his eye’s. “Yes, but if you don’t care of yourself you get treated like one, now what do you feel like?” Dream said. “I will just have a salad” Sapnap said. “You need more then just a salad Sapnap” Dream said. “I’m not really hungry” Sapnap lied when in reality he was ravenous. Dream sighed fine I will get you a salad and a couple of extra’s ok. “Ok, that’s fine” Sapnap said. Dream ordered and confirmed “it will be there in 15 minutes, I will eat to ok I have some leftover pizza I can heatup if that is better” Dream said. “Still not a baby” Sapnap reminded him. ‘You idiot, you can’t eat you are going to ruin all your hardwork’ ‘But I need to eat something or I will die’ Sapnap tried to reason with no luck.

He zoned back into George calling his name. “Where did Dream go?” Sapnap asked. “He went to heat up some pizza” George reassured him. “Oh right” Sapnap mumbled. The doorbell rang and unfortunately Sapnap couldn’t leave it, “That’s the food I will be back” Sapnap said and muted. He stumbled to the door blindly reaching for his wallet only to realise he was out of cash, shit what was he to do. Panicking Sapnap looked around, he found a 10 in the now vacant fruit bowl in his kitchen and went back to the door and opened it to accept the food giving the person the 10 apologising as it was all he had on him. 

This is heaps more then just a salad Sapnap thought. He left the other boxes on the table and found the salad underneath, it seemed to have chicken in it. He went back to his room and sat in front of his monitor and unmuted, “I have the salad” he announced, “Good” Dream said. Sapnap slowly ate as they talked trying to take the smallest bites he could getting halfway through before he could eat no more. They talked more about plans and decided that George and Dream would fly to Texas in 5 days. Which seems like such short notice for them both which is weird, but he thought nothing of it. They finished up and Sapnap lied and said he had a video to edit as an excuse not to stream with the boys as much as he wanted to he needed to sleep despite being asleep only a couple of hours ago. He said his goodbyes and ended the call, he was tempted to go to bed but knew he shouldn’t so he wanted to distract himself by watching some TV instead.

He settled on a cartoon in the living room before finding himself ravenous again noticing his increased appetite, he left to the kitchen cartoon still playing in the background. He found himself at the other food Dream had ordered him, he looked at it all to find a box of chicken wings, a box of garlic bread and a large fries from Chick-Fil-a. He decided to have once piece of garlic bread that is it. He grabbed it and went to sit back on the couch. Unfortunately he was still ravenous and came back for another piece and then another piece, until it was gone then he started on the chicken and then the fries. He felt gross and greasy and he began to spiral. ‘You really just ate all that you pig’ ‘You have just undone weeks of progress well done’ ‘You idiot don’t have any self control I mean really no wonder you’re fat’ panicking he went to the toilet, should he really? ‘of course isn’t that even a question.' He put his finger to the back of his throat and felt it as it came up ‘good that’s what you deserve’. He started to cry as he sat there. He must of fallen asleep because soon there was silence as he became unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi my cat is being needy while I write this lmao he is adament on sitting on my lap and purring his head off which is challenging when you need your hands to write. He is sitting in an awkward stance on my lap idk why anyway. Really angst, btw I am trying to get to the good bits we are getting there slowly. Remember if you feel like this reach out to someone I promise you don't have to feel like this
> 
> Australian 13 11 14  
> Canada 1-833-456-4566  
> UK 0800 58 58 58  
> US 1-800-273-8255
> 
> and if you are in any immediant danger call your emergency services
> 
> anyway off to bed but I did write this in advance on the same day I posted last and I might have just drafted this as I need to do work tommorow. Anyway when I am back to normal life on Thursday, I will see how often you want me to post whether I post twice a week or something to make sure these chapters are better quality idk please let me know in the comments. ofc in thanks for the love and 40 kudos really appreciated as I know this isn't the best written but hey better to improve.


	8. Plans in the Works

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no tw I don't think

Dream POV

Dream woke to a quiet room and immediately got up in search of Patches, calling out to her. He found her sitting in the sunbathing herself. He sighed in relief at least she was enjoying herself. He went back to the kitchen to pop on some toast before making his way to the bedroom to collect his phone. He scrolled through twitter periodically as he made his way back to the kitchen. He waited for his toast and as it popped out of the toaster he put his phone down and opened the cabinet to find himself a plate making a loud rachet. He grabbed the toast and popped the plate down on the counter before turning and opening the fridge to grab the butter and jam placing both next to the plate on the counter he then walks over to the drawer and rummages for a knife. He shuts the drawer with a bang using his hip and walks over opening the butter and jam spreading both on his toast before picking it up and taking a bite, it was delicious. 

As he went to take another bite his phone bussed making him pause and pick it up while taking another bite of his toast. ‘Hey Dream’ it read, ‘just wanted to see if you were up to just hanging out on stream in a little while – Bad.’ He put down his toast and wiped the crumbs from his mouth. ‘Yeah sure, let me know when’ Dream texted back. ‘Perfect, oh and George will be there too’ Bad texted. ‘Awesome’ Dream sent back before picking up his toast and going back to scrolling through twitter mindlessly. He finished up and put his plate away, he decided to hop onto his PC and see what was happening. As his PC booted up he got a text from George asking him if he was on and if so if they wanted to vc for a bit before Bad’s stream? Dream texted him ‘Sure just booting up my pc now be right there’. 

He went to grab a water bottle from the fridge and came back to the glare of his monitors. He typed in his passcode and went straight to discord. He checked the Dream smp server to see who was in there and it seemed to be only George in the private vc. He joined to George humming a tune. “Hey Dream” George says, “Hey George, what are you up to?” Dream asked “Oh you know, just doing some grinding on the smp” George says. “Nice, so you wanted to chat?” Dream asked. “Oh, there wasn’t anything in particular I just wanted to chat tis all” George said. 

They both talked as George grinded some levels on his tools and netherite amour. The conversation soon switched to the Jackbox stream last night as they joked and laughed at the jokes, especially the endless dnf and skephalo jokes. Dream is glad they both just laugh at the absurdity of it all. “Funny question but did you notice Sapnap was a little funny after the rapping?” Dream asked out of the blue. “I mean… I didn’t notice anything but it was a bit funny that he left so randomly after that” George admitted. “Maybe we should see if we can get him online and book tickets to see him, just to make sure he is ok,” Dream said “I mean I am sure he is, he is after all and adult but you know? We wanted to see eachother anyway and I am sure it isn’t anything a bit of company can’t fix” Dream said trying to be positive. “Yeah,” George said “You should text him and see if he is down to come on”. 

Dream reached for his phone that he had pocketed earlier and brung up his texts to Nick. Hey wanna come join vc? Me and George want to ask you something he quickly sent before setting his phone down on the table. Surprisingly he had a response from the boy ‘Hey sorry about yesterday, family stuff came up what did you and George need to ask me about? Sapnap had sent. “He replied” Dream said a little in disbelief. “Oh, that’s a first in ages” George joked. ‘Yeah sure let me boot up my pc’ Dream read. “He is coming” Dream said holding with baited breath. “So you know what to ask?” George said. “Yeah I think so” Dream replied.

They waited as the minutes roll by making little conversation. Finally the familiar sound of a connection brings Sapnap in. “Hey” George and Dream said synchronised. “Hey” Sapnap says back sounding sad but trying to hide it. “Well, me and George were wondering if we were to rent an apartment for a week or two whether you would want to you know hang and meet up?” Dream said getting straight to the point. He explained that it was probably the best time considering college and work isn’t to much for either of them right now, and how George could just use Dream’s set up. “So me and George were going to rent a 2 bedroom house if you wanted to stay with us you can or we were thinking maybe you might feel more at home at your own place?” Dream stuttered unsure of what to say. 

Sapnap didn’t seem to be listening. So he called his name multiple times before finally getting Sapnap’s attention. “Sorry I was distracted by something” Sapnap admits. “You sure?” Dream asks unsure of what he was trying to ask with that question. ““Yeah, I am probably just hungry” Sapnap says. Immediately Dream is worried. “When did you last eat?” Dream asked now concerned for his friend. “I haven’t eaten today” Sapnap says seemingly tired. Dream immediately goes to comfort Sapnap and attempts to at least buy him some dinner so he was feed properly even though Sapnap was insistent on him being able to feed himself before reluctantly giving in and agreeing to salad. “If it makes you feel better I am gonna heat up some pizza and eat with you. “Still not a baby” Sapnap said seeming a bit frustrated. “Ok, well I am going to heatup my pizza be right back” Dream said as he muted and stood up. 

He went towards the bathroom and went to the toilet. He looked into the mirror and sighed, he couldn’t help but feel sick at what Sapnap had said, how could he forget to eat? He left the bathroom after washing his hands and splashing his face with water in hopes of easing his worries a little before heading to the fridge. He opened it to feel the coolness wrap around his body, he reached out his hand and found the leftover pizza box from a couple of days ago now. He turned around to place it on the counter, shutting the door with his foot. He turned to the oven to preheat it before opening the box and grabbing a baking tray and dumping a couple of slices. He waited while the oven warmed up before sliding in the slices and setting the timer for 10 minutes.

As he waited, he scrolled through tiktok to occupy the time. As the timer went off, he set down his phone and grabbed a plate and almost burnt his hand before remembering to grab the oven mitt. He got out the pizza and dumped it on the plate before leaving the tray on the counter and making his way back to his room plate in one hand and phone in the other. It seemed Sapnap had gone to get his food and George was in call. They were talking as he ate and ended up looking at Airbnb’s. They weren’t able to find any, but they kept looking hoping to find something soon especially on such late notice. 

Sapnap came back with his salad and they ate and talked for a while before Dream got a dm from Bad asking if they wanna hop on stream. ‘Yeah sure’ Dream typed back before asking the two boys if they want to join. George agreed he would while Sapnap was quiet. “Sapnap, what about you?” Dream asked, “Look I have a video I should really edit maybe another time, but you guys go ahead” Sapnap said. “Ok, if you’re sure” Dream said unconvinced. They both said their goodbyes to Sapnap before joining Bad’s stream. Dream pulled up the stream on his second monitor as they played and mucked around before deciding they all build a mushroom house together. But soon Dream found himself getting tired and decided to head off noting that to Bad George decided he also needed to go. “Say bye to stream” Bad said cheerily. “Bye stream!” George and Dream both said in unison laughing as they logged off. Dream sighed as he shut down his computer. He sat on his couch in the living room scrolling through the airbnb’s sending a couple he liked to George. Soon George stopped replying to his texts and Dream assumed he had fallen asleep. He found himself exhausted and curled up with a blanket he had lying on the arm of his couch turning on the TV for white noise he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO, omg I know it has been a hot minute since I have uploaded I am so sorry I got so caught up with school work and I was unsure of how to finish this chapter so I started it and I was unsure where to go with it so it isn't a good chapter. 
> 
> I hope you still enjoy anyway, I am so excited to write the next couple of chapter tbh I might start one as I upload this but idk when I will upload them. What if I did upload once to twice a week, maybe Saturday and another day of the week if I have one in the works and I get it ready on time. That way I actually have to do it and get my butt moving to force myself to, I guess then I might have another one in the works but idk whether I want to do it or not as I feel weird uploading anything dnf related tbh (I haven't started just planning). Lmao btw this story wasn't planned at the start as it was originally a oneshot so tbh what i write and where this goes I only have a general direction of where I want it to go so it is a bit spontaneous. I have really enjoyed writing this so far also forgot to say but over 10,000 words for me is pretty cool I am so proud of myself for sticking with this for as long as I have. I am now gonna stop as I have gone on for too long and this is just a long rant now but I hope your well remember you're loved and don't forget to drink water, sleep and take your meds ily all gn I probably will go to sleep now and idk whether I will have a chapter Saturday I should have enough time to work on one but we will see as school is kicking my ass so that's why if I don't upload I apologies in advance sorry for the long note gn
> 
> OH I FORGOT TO SAY THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT THE STORY HAS OVER 1000 READS AND 60 KUDOS AND 8 BOOKMARKS WHICH I THINK IS PRETTY NEAT AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT DEPSITE IT BEING A SHITTY PIECE OF WRITING


	9. The Day Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// mention of self harm, blood, panic attack, intrusive thoughts
> 
> READ AT YOUR OWN RISK YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
> 
> if there is anything I miss let me know

Sapnap’s POV

The next five days surprisingly went quite quickly consisting of a lot of planning of accommodation and flights and long calls. It kept Sapnap busy despite being so exhausted he wanted to just sleep. He routine consisted of getting up and chugging an energy drink before hoping on call to hang out with them. He was excited to see them but deep down he knew how much he didn’t want them to see him suffering otherwise they would leave him when he needed them most. He mulled it over and over in his mind thinking of ways to hide the shame of the damage he has caused to himself. But it has become a daily habit, routine if you will that he can’t seem to stop no matter how hard he tries. 

As he sat there on call the night before the boys are supposed to leave to take the long trips to Texas. He sat there in a big, oversized hoodie so he doesn’t have to remind himself, but he found himself overheating and giving in to the discomfort and changing in to a t-shirt. He is lucky his web cam isn’t on as he sits there unable to stop staring at the damage. Some are scared over and other seem fresher. He runs his hand over them feeling the texture and winces in pain. 

“Sapnap” Dream called and Sapnap turned his head to his monitor. “Yeah” Sapnap asks. “I am gonna head off so is George as George is supposed to be up in a couple of hours and I need to go to sleep also” Dream said. Sapnap glanced at the time to see it was 12am, “Yeah I should probably head to bed too goodnight guys, text me when you are leaving” Sapnap said and they all disconnected. Sapnap stumbled to his bed and passed out. 

He woke up hours later and checked his phone. It seems George was on the plane and had already started the 14-hour journey there. ‘Text me when you get to the stopover and get internet’ Sapnap sent on discord. He then saw a text from Dream, ‘Hey I haven’t left yet as some stuff has come up, but I should be leaving in about an hour will let you know, everything is packed up and ready to go and Patches has been adopted by my mum so once this is finished up I should be ready to go’. “Great, can’t wait to see you guys, keep me updated during your journey” Sapnap sent. He sighed as he realised, he didn’t have anything to do while he waited and it was only 11am.

He texts Quackity to see if he wanted to hop in a vc, and he got a quick reply ‘Sorry I’m streaming but you can come hop on if you like I’m just playing some Minecraft with Bad, Ant and Puffy’ Quackity text back. Usually, Sapnap would decline the offer but he needed something to get his mind off the worries of seeing his friends in 14 hours. He hopped on and they all greeted him happily. “We haven’t seen you in a hot minute Sapnap what have you been up to?” Puffy asked. “Oh you know same old just been busy with college and other things” Sapnap said. They all seem satisfied with this answer and went back to joking around, Sapnap opened up the stream on his second monitor and saw Sapnap flying by in chat and the viewer count going up. They all seemed so happy to have him there they were commenting on how much they miss him. 

Sapnap felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He realised in him being so selfish he had failed to neglect his friends and more importantly his fans who were relying on him. He felt awful and he sat there tears forming in his eyes threatening to fall. But he was pulled out of it violently to the sound of his name being called. “Sapnap, are you ok?” Bad asked. “What? Oh yeah sorry I’m fine” Sapnap said. “Ok” Bad said sounding unconvinced. They went back to talking and Sapnap’s mind wondered again. He had no idea what he is going to do while they were there they are going to find out and they didn’t need to. 

He started to panic and he felt dizzy. He felt like he was going to throw up and he needed to get to the bathroom and fast. He muted which would raise questions but right now he doesn’t care. Hopefully if he is quick enough, they wouldn’t even notice he is gone. 

He got up still feeling dizzy and the room started spinning. He sat down leaning beside his desk too weak to move. He thought he heard someone call his name but he was to busy trying not to die to respond. He was in pain as he felt his heartbeat pulse a mile a minute so loud in his ears. He could of sworn that was his dying. He heard his phone go off, but he wasn’t able to reach it. Sapnap shut his eyes in hopes of waiting for it to all go away. His breath was ragged and shallow he just could’t take a deep breath which made him panic even more. “Fuck” he screamed and buried his head in his hands. He had never been more terrified in that moment. He started hitting his thigh with his hand trying to desperately get it together enough so his friends don’t question what he is doing. But it didn’t help so he started scratching his wrists opening up the wounds again which lead to them to start bleeding. He was a blubbering mess and it took him ages to calm down. He had no idea how long he had sat there until he could regain his breath again and how long it took him to feel confident enough that he could stand up without falling. 

He went straight to his desk and shakily attempted to type an apology to Quackity for leaving that was legible but it had so many typing mistakes it was barely readable. He didn’t care and sent it anyway. He noticed the stream wasn’t going anymore, was he really away for that long? He then went to the bathroom to attempt to clean up the mess he had made running the cold water he put both his arms under as they stung, he toughed it out. He sighed and turned off the tap as he decided he did the best he could to clean them. He threw on a hoodie on brushing the wounds making them sting and weep. He collected his phone and flopped into bed utterly exhausted after the attack. He searched up panic attacks as he knew what they were because his friend in high school use to have them. It had a list of symptoms and they all applied to what happened. He knew that he had problems he assumed they were from the constant fighting of his mum and dad before they got a divorce. It was nasty, his dad would yell and even occasionally throw things, but he never hit our mum which he was so glad for. Sapnap’s guess is he blamed himself and it didn’t help that he was bullied in high school. Even though he was ‘happy’ he never fully forgave himself and blamed himself for the divorce and getting bullied.

A call from Quackity came through and it wasn’t a discord call. Sapnap was hesitant to answer as didn’t want Quackity to worry but I guess he would be, I mean it isn’t normal to leave during a stream and then send a message that is barely legible and then not pick up a call. He sighed and swiped to pickup, ”Hey Alex” Sapnap said attempting to not sound shaky and tired. “Hey Sapnap, you alright? What happened?” Quackity asked bombarding him with questions of concern. There wasn’t point in lying, “I..I think I had panic attack” Sapnap confesses. “I see, are you ok and safe Sap?” Alex asked seemingly concerned. “Yeah, I’m ok just exhausted it took all the energy out of me” Sapnap said. Then Alex asked the dreaded question “Do you have an idea of what could have triggered it?” Alex asked in the gentlest way possible. Sapnap paused for a second unsure of how to answer “I..I..I’m not really sure actually,” Sapnap stuttered “I guess I just must be super stressed at the moment” ‘Liar’. “Have you had a panic attack before?” Alex asked. “No I don’t think so, that was a first” Sapnap said. “Hmm well you know you should go see someone especially if you keep having more ok?” Alex said sounding worried. “Yeah I will” Sapnap dismissed him, ‘He doesn’t care he just pretends to not hurt your feeling’s. “Sapnap, I love you” Alex said trying to reassure him. “I love you too” Sapnap said. “You should probably go to bed as I am sure you will be getting up early to collect Gogy from the airport” Alex said, ‘He is just trying to get rid of you so he doesn’t have to deal with you’ “What how do you know about that?” Sapnap asked “A little birdy told me” Quackity teased, “Well I’m going to let you go sleep Sapnap goodnight, sleep well” Quackity said “Hey Quackity?” Sapnap asked “Yes?” Quackity said. “Please don’t tell anyone I had a panic attack ok? I will go get help” Sapnap said. He knew he was lying that he wouldn’t get help, he just didn’t want to be known as the one who has panic attacks over stupid things. “Of course Sap,” Quackity said reassuringly, “Just please make sure to reach out to me if something like that happens again ok”. “Ok” Sapnap said. They hung up and Sapnap switched to his alarm before putting his phone on charge and he passed out snoring slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, so I might have got quite a couple of chapters ahead but I am honestly just editing them trying to make sure I am happy with them and I will keep my promise to myself and only post twice a week otherwise I will get this done too quickly and have nothing left and I have been really enjoying the story so far. I want to make a disclaimer, I am not trying to generalise panic attacks or anything else written in this story, they aren't fun and while I am very fortunate to have never had one I have had friends that have and they are nasty. If someone that has had one before sees this as not accurate I am happy to change it to make it more accurate. As for anxiety and depression in general in this story I'm also not trying to romanticised it and this story is in no way captures how hard it really is as I could never really capture it in a story. Saying this if you ever feel like this please seek help I promise you there is help out there and coming from experience people won't judge you for reaching out and if they do they don't deserve you I am always proud of anyone that takes that step to help their mental health.
> 
> Australian 13 11 14  
> Canada 1-833-456-4566  
> UK 0800 58 58 58  
> US 1-800-273-8255
> 
> and if you are in any immediant danger call your emergency services
> 
> ily all never forget that and hope you're enjoying the story


	10. Roadtrip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no tw I don't think

Dream's POV

Dream had never been more stressed in his entire life. Attempting to organise to get two people to Texas in 5 days is a harder task then he ever expected it to be. Not to mention trying to organise videos, his merch, trying to make sure Patches is cared for and his house while he is away. He is very lucky to have such loving parents that were more than happy to take her in and a sister to love her twice as much to make up for Dream’s absence, as much as he wanted to take her he couldn’t justify keeping her in a car for that long.

A lot of late-night calls with George and Sapnap were happening and they had finally found a place that would let them stay for however long they needed, it was 2 bedroom and 1 bathroom, but I guess they could live. Best of all it was not far from Sapnap’s house. The day came and with the recruitment of his dad and mum he was able to load everything into his car and pack Patches in a carrier case with her food and toys. “Thanks for all your help guys” Dream said. “Of course, no worries” his dad said with a grin. Dream bent down to Patches in the carrier case, “I will miss you, but they will take good care of you and I will be back before you know it” he said poking his hand through the hole and getting a head bunt and a purr. His parents kissed him goodbye and said to drive safe before they left in the car.  


He watched as they drove down the road away with his cat, he missed her already. He went back into the house to a call from the merch company, he groaned what is it they want I am suppose to leave. He picked up the call “Hello, Dream speaking” Dream said. “Hi, I am so sorry to do this to you but is there anyway you can come down, I have a couple of questions about some merch” the person said. “Did they not tell you I was busy going to Texas for some family things?” Dream asked. “Yes… they did tell me” they said hesitantly, “Is it urgent or can it be handled by the supervisor when he gets in on Monday?” Dream asked, “Well, I mean we just kinda wanted your input…” they started, “Alright I will be down in 30” Dream cut them off, “Ok brilliant, see you soon” they said. 

Dream sighed as he hung up the call, he needed to get to Sapnap they couldn’t wait much longer. He searched the house gathering the last of his things. He grabbed his keys and looked around the house one more time. It wasn’t like he wasn’t gonna come back so why was he so sad? He was going to see his two best friends in the entire world? But deep down Dream knew it was more then just a vist, but he had no idea whether he is just overreacting or not until he got there.

He shut the door and locked it, making his way to the car he opened it and dumped everything he had gathered inside. He climbed in awkwardly and jammed the key to start the car. The car purred to life and the radio started to blare the news, he winced and changed the channel to the old school 90’s list as he drove his mind wondering elsewhere to the problems at hand. He was only brought back to reality when a car horned screamed at him as the light had changed to green long ago. “Shit” he mumbled and threw his hand up as an attempt to apologies before driving off. He found his way into the familiar carpark of one of the many warehouses he had hired out for the shipment and production of his merch. 

He was greeted by whom he assumed was the person on the phone with him. He smiled and shook his hand, “come with me” the guy said walking towards another building, most likely an office. They walked into a freezer as he was greeted by cool air wrapped around him. They walked towards an office, inside they found 4 other people sitting around the table. “Hi, we apologies for bothering you after you said you were busy but the urgent matter was bought up” they rambled on and on, soon Dream found himself drifting off thinking about other things. He only heard when they said “So how does that sound to you, we need the all ok and a quick sign” they said. “Oh um yeah, I trust you so if I sign I can go?” he asked, “yes that’s all we needed” they agreed. “Ok” Dream said relieved. He signed something about the production that he read over more thoroughly and was happy with it all, but mainly he just wanted to get out of there.

He walked out and rummaged for his phone in his pocket and opened his messages to Sapnap and typed ‘Hey I haven’t left yet as some stuff has come up but I should be leaving soon, will let you know everything is packed up and ready to go and Patches has been adopted by my mum so once this is finished up I should be ready to go’. He got a quick reply saying it’s fine and Dream was on his way after a quick stop to get a pick me up caffeine hit and a muffin to munch on the way. He was singing to tunes and trying to make the best of a 14 hour drive although it would now be dark when he arrived in Texas. 

He found himself 5 hours later pulling into the pit stop to grab himself some fast food for dinner after his stomach had been grumbling in protest of food. All he had a had is a muffin and a coffee all day as he had been non stop all day. As he pulled into the intercom window, he heard a crackle and a woman’s voice spoke “Hello, this is Mcdonalds, what would you like?”. He glanced briefly at the menu, scanning for what they have. “Yeah, ummm I will have a large big mac meal with a coke” Dream said “Anything else?” they asked. “Ummm, yeah and a 10 piece nuggets” Dream replied. “Anything else?” they asked again. “Ummm and an oreo mcflurry please” Dream said. He had got a lot but he was famished and desperate. “Anything else?” they asked again. “No, thanks” Dream said “Please drive to the next window” the voice said. 

He drove up to the window and payed for his stuff before driving to wait in a parking bay and he flicked through twitter while he waited. He got a knock on his window which made him jump out of his skin. He quickly moved to open the window only to realise the car was off. He laughed nervously and turned the car back on before opening the window and taking the bag, the drink and the mcflurry, thanking the person. He grabbed a couple of fries from the bag and stuffed them in his mouth before driving off. He decided on stopping at the next exit to eat his food as he couldn’t eat and drive. He turned off the exit and found a quiet bench on an oval not too far.

He finished off his fries and and burger while sipping his drink, he worked on the nuggets slowly before finishing with the now melted oreo mcflurry that was still just as good. It was peaceful as he watched two kids kicking a footy back and fourth. But all good things must come to an end, as he packed up his rubbish and chucked in the bin. He trudged back to his car for another miserable 9 hours in the car. He cranked the tunes once more and was jamming out for hours on end, anything you could think of he was playing. It started to drizzle rain and it got significantly chillier, he blasted the heater making the car feel cozy. It reminded him of the times when he was 18 and would drive up to his now ex-girlfriends house in the winter to spend Christmas with her and her family. Those were the good old times before YouTube, times seemed much simpler then. 

He saw a sign for a turn off into Houston, he would be there in about 30 minutes. He didn’t realise he was nervous, as he stopped at a light he saw a text that George had landed and was at baggage claim with Sapnap now from 20 minutes ago. He picked up his phone and texted ‘Sorry I have been driving, I am almost there probably about 15-20 minutes away from the house, you got the keys?’ he texted. ‘Yeah we got the keys and we have crashed at the house, can’t wait to see you’ George said. ‘Yeah sounds good, can’t wait to see you too’ he texted. The anticipation was building as he turned into the street, he was searching for the house number, 24, 26, 28! He turned into the drive and pulled up behind Sapnap’s car. The crunching gravel alerting of his presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I know it ends on a cliffhanger but I want it to build so too bad. If you're here and reading wow that's impressive I applaud you for sticking this long with the story and thankyou for all the support ily, next chapter out Saturday


	11. It's Finally Happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// panic attack, mention of self harm, intrusive thoughts, eating disorder  
> let me know if I missed anything

Sapnap POV

He woke up feeling groggy, he was unsure of why he woke up. It took a couple of moments for it to hit him, he needed to pick up George from the airport.

He rolled over and checked the time, shit he was suppose to wake up 20 minutes ago and he was running late. He jumped out of bed, scrambling for his phone he texted George. ‘Hey, let me know when you’re out I have kinda slept in so I am just about to leave’ he text him.

He contemplated being able to get away without a shower but one sniff told him otherwise. He speedrun the shower, despite longing to be held by the warmth it has been ages since he had showered last. He hoped out and was scrambling to find clean clothes, he settled on an oversized black nike hoodie and some shorts since it is hot in Texas. He chucked on some airforces and grabbed his keys and wallet. Heading to the car he deciding to skip the hairdryer as his hair can dry naturally in the heat.

Hot was an understatement for how hot Texas was, it was boiling. He wished he could wear a t-shirt but he knew better then to know the looks and comments he would get from others and his friends. He drove as fast as he can to the airport hoping that George wasn’t waiting for too long. He got a call from him, he picked it up “Hey where are you?” George asked, “Sorry I got held up, I am on my way” Sapnap said. “Oh ok well I am at baggage claim with my bags, at carriage 4” George said “Cool, be there very soon maybe come out to the pickup’s” Sapnap suggested. “Ok, see you soon” George said and hung up.

Sapnap stomach lurched as he realised, he was about to meet his two internet best friends in real life for the first time. He should have cleaned himself up a little better but oh well no time. He pulled in and there he was, he seemed quite small and lost in busy place around him, his mousey brown hair looked frazzled after the long flight. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and shorts and peering down at his phone. He beeped his horn as he pulled in and George looked up and smiled, Sapnap got out and gave him a hug instantly realising how small George is, he pulled him in tighter. They did not let go for a couple of minutes and Sapnap felt the eyes on them, at that moment he didn’t care. They were here, together.

They finally broke apart and George was the first to speak “Hi” he said. Sapnap took breath, “Hi” he said very small and feeble. “Let me take your bags and chuck them in the car so we can go get the keys for the house” Sapnap said and George just nodded clearly exhausted from the trip. Sapnap went to lift the luggage as George went to get in the car and Sapnap found himself struggling. George looked back at Sapnap and offered his help and Sapnap shook his head. ‘How the hell can he be this weak look at you, you can’t even carry a bag’. Sapnap shook his head trying not to cry infront of his friend, he managed to get the suitcase in and close the boot. He needs to be happy for George, he can’t know.

They drove to the place to pick up the keys, on the way George was telling a story about this person behind him on the plane that Sapnap was half listening to. Suddenly a large beep shook Sapnap from his daze, he turned to a frightened George sitting next to him. “Sapnap, you almost got hit are you ok?” George said trembling. “Omg I am so sorry are you ok” Sapnap asked panicking ‘how could you be so stupid you almost just killed your friend’. Sapnap was shaking trying to not have a panic attack right there. Please he can’t do this right now in front of George. “it’s ok, everyone is safe ok? Don’t worry” George said trying to soothe Sapnap while also visibly shaken.

Sapnap closed his eyes for a second breathing out slowly, ‘you have just fucked everything up, how could you be that careless?’ his mind was racing. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes until Sapnap felt ok to drive again, Sapnap was concentrating so hard not to have a panic attack as they drove. “I will get the bag” George said as he slid out of the passenger seat. Sapnap smiled weakly and went to the front door, it was massive and modern. The keys were in a safe box next to the front door with a code that George had given him. He put in the code and pulled out the keys to unlock the front door.

He jammed in the keys and let the door swing wide open, he whistled. “Wow George come look at this” Sapnap said. “Oh wow” George said as he came up behind Sapnap “Dream picked a nice place” George said. Both boys wondered in looking around at the bathrooms and bedrooms, even though Sapnap was staying at his apartment he wished he could live there with them. He walked back into the living room to George and George told him that “Dream texted me and said he is almost here”. “Oh perfect” Sapnap said flopping on the couch and grabbing the remote to flick through the tv. George joined him and they settled on the football which George had no understanding of so Sapnap attempted to explain it to the best of his ability. Before long they heard the crunch of a car pull up and they both looked at each other.

They got up running to the door and smiled. There he was, they were all together for the first time in real life. Dream got out and they ran to meet him engulfing him in a big hug. He smiled and hugged back, and they stood there for a while. “Why don’t you help me get some stuff out and we can go out for dinner if George isn’t too exhausted” Dream suggested and they all agreed. They all collected stuff each Dream carrying the pc and George and Sapnap carrying a box of clothes and other smaller things. Both Dream and George had a shower and got changed into some clean clothes before they all hopped in the car with Sapnap driving. “So where we going?” Dream asked, “That’s me to know and you to find out” Sapnap said with a wink.

They arrived at Whataburger and both boys cheered, they have never been and of course why not have the most Texas experience ever. They walked in and were drawn to the glowing signs at the register. All of them took their time looking over the menu before ordering, Dream settled on a double meat Whataburger and George a classic Whataburger. Sapnap realised it would be weird if he didn’t get anything so he got a side of onion rings claiming he wasn’t really hungry. Dream offered to pay for the three of them and they all argued but finally agreed. They sat down at a booth with their fresh food, Sapnap was ravenous ‘if you eat those rings, you will get fat again and ruin all your work, do you want that’.

Please he can’t have a panic attack, not here in front of his two best friends, it shows how weak he really is and they can’t know that. He felt frozen, they hadn’t noticed yet good he can slip away to the bathroom. He went to stand up but felt lightheaded. He felt them both staring at him, he mumbled he needed to go to the bathroom and went to step forward concentrating all his energy of putting one foot in front of the other to get to the bathroom, there he could collapse. He closed the door behind him and collapsed on the floor exhausted, tears streaming down his face. He was trying to breath but he couldn’t help but gasp for air, he felt like he was choking. He leaned back and rested his head on the door trying to take deep breaths but them coming out short and shallow. He felt suffocated as he wrestled the hoodie off as he felt so restricted and closed off. He heard the small voice calling his name, but he couldn’t do anything but just sit there, he couldn’t form the words to tell them he was alright as much as he wanted to. ‘Useless’ ‘Good for nothing’ ‘All you do is cry and worry people, they aren’t even his friends’ he was sobbing and gasping for breath, he just wanted to leave, he wanted it to stop the voices the everyday pretending he had to be happy when he wasn’t.

There was pounding at the door, “Dream? George?” he managed in a feeble voice. “Hang on George is getting someone to open the door” Dream said. “I’m back” George yelled. The jangle of keys could be heard, no no they can’t see. Sapnap grabbed his hoodie still unable to breath properly and shoved it back on. The door swung open as he pulled down the sleeves. He felt the warm embrace of the two people and suddenly he felt warm, he felt safe. Dream was the first to let go, he could see Sapnap was struggling to breath and helped him calm his breathing through some counting with him. Sapnap’s head was spinning but he had gotten over the worse of the panic attack. They stayed there patiently until Sapnap could stand up and they left and went home. It was silent as Dream drove them back to the apartment.

“You know Sapnap why don’t we have a sleepover tonight” Dream suggested. They weren’t going to ask and it made Sapnap feel better. “Yeah sure, I don’t have any clothes though” Sapnap said. “You can borrow some of mine” Dream said. ‘No you can’t, you are way to fat to fit into anything, you think you could? Ha as if’ “No it’s ok, maybe we can stop by my place and pick up some stuff” Sapnap said. “Sure” Dream said.

They drove into his drive way and Sapnap got out as well as the two boys, shit the apartment is a mess. “Umm you can stay out here I will only be a minute” Sapnap said. “Well I was hoping I could use the bathroom I am busting” George said. “Oh yeah sure” Sapnap said opening his door. A mess was an understatement, he felt embarrassed as he walked in. He directed George straight to the bathroom as he made a beeline to the bedroom. Dream stood in the living room waiting. Sapnap sniffed everything trying to find something decent, he then made his way to the bathroom and grabbed some toiletries before leaving the comfort of his bedroom to come back to the two muttering in the living room.

They stopped as soon as he entered and smiled. ‘They are judging you, just tell them to leave they don’t want you anyway’. “Are we ready to go?” Dream asked. “Yeah sure” Sapnap said. ‘they just feel bad because you had a panic attack’ Sapnap tried to push it out of his mind but he just couldn’t. They came back to the apartment and crashed watching movies together until jetlag and the travel of the day caught up to them. Sapnap said he would take the couch but Dream insisted they crash in the same bed as it would be more comfy. Sapnap layed there listening to Dream sleep so peaceful unable to sleep himself, he got up and sat on the couch mulling everything over. He turned on his phone in an attempt to distract himself from the events of the day. He switched to youtube and clicked on the first thing he found, it was an old video of the three of them, he sounded so happy there what changed? He passed out with the video playing in the background.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello so we love them finally meeting up in the fic. I hope you all are well sorry this was so late (for me it is for other people it's probably early depending on where you're from) I was having a hard time editing this as my brain just wasn't up to doing anything today. On the brightside I watched a really good movie called Moxie on woman empowerment I reccomend you see as I loved it and the representation game was strong af. Anyway if you feel like this please reach out you ar eloved and I promise you there are ways to help, love you all and hope you have a good Saturday.


	12. Lunch Dates and Panic Attacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// panic attack, mild hint at disordered eating
> 
> oh and btw when I say eating disorder I forgot to say I am not saying Sapnap has an eating disorder I mean I don't know enough and I would just stereotype it. And I know I say sterotype but then put everything else in lol but I feel like at least the other stuff I can project a little more and understand where as I have never dealt with one so I am going to just warn of bad eating habits when I say eating disorder

Dream POV

He stopped the car and turned the key. He jumped out of the car and saw two full grown men running at him screaming “DREAAAMMM”. They looked ridiculous, but he smiled as those idiots were his two best friends. He opened his arms and accepted the hugs, they were so cute. 

George was smaller then Dream thought he would be he seemed so tiny and delicate with his mousey brown hair. And Sapnap was quite small despite being taller but it was hidden with the oversized hoodie that he wore. They seemed so happy in that moment and he wished he could have taken a picture to capture it in time. “Why don’t you help me get some stuff out and we can go out for dinner if George isn’t too exhausted” Dream suggested and they nodded, as they liked that idea. 

Dream collected the pc and lugged it inside barely holding on as the two boys followed behind with a couple of other little things he had bought, before they had quick showers and freshen up and loaded themselves in Sapnap’s car. “So where we going?” Dream asked, “That’s me to know and you to find out” Sapnap said with a wink making Dream grin as he plugged in his phone and started playing some tunes for the journey. 

Despite the Brit being jetlagged and tired he had a mouth that rattled off anything that came to mind, in between them singing and jamming out. The music could be heard from miles away, to anyone it is just three dudes hanging out but to them it was some of the most joyest moments of their life with the people they love the most. 

They arrived at Whataburger and went into the blinding lights of a Texas themed fast-food joint. As they made their way to the counter George seemed unable to process it all and Dream went to stand right next to him. George gave a sideward glance, and a small smile and Dream didn’t realise how cute he was when he smiled and he smiled back. They ordered and grabbed their meals before plopping into the booth, Sapnap taking one side and Dream and George sitting together on the other. Dream asked George whether American fast food or UK fast food would better, sparking a heated debate between the two of them. 

Dream was arguing that the UK food portions were just too small and you get more bang for your buck with American fast-food when he noticed Sapnap had gotten up looking very pale and mumbled something about the bathroom. He left and Dream and George looked at eachother unsure of what to do. Dream watched the door as George took a fry and popped it in his mouth as they waited for him to come back.

5 minutes came and went then a couple more. “I’m gonna go check up on him” Dream said finally standing up and heading to the one bathroom in the restaurant. He heard quiet sobbing, was that Sapnap? “Sapnap?” he called. There wasn’t an answer just quietness before another sob. He ran back to George “It’s Sapnap” he said breathless leading George back. He pounded on the door again and he heard a quiet voice say “Dream? George?” that sounded like Sapnap. Dream nodded at George and he left to go get keys. “Hang on George is getting someone to open the door” Dream said trying to reassure Sapnap. He turned his head to see George running back with the keys, George fumbled as he opened the lock. The door swung open to see a small Sapnap curled up sitting on the floor that had obviously been crying, hard. They both swept Sapnap up in their arms, trying to reassure him that he was safe. Dream didn’t realise at first but Sapnap was having a hard time breathing and he tapped George to let him go as he realised it would make it worse. 

George didn’t understand at first but realised quickly enough, “Alright I am gonna do some breathing with you Sap, breath in for 3 hold for three and out for me, copy my breaths k” Dream said, they sat there on the cold and dirty bathroom floor doing breathing trying to get Sapnap to calm down. He finally did and they stood up and left leaving the reminisce of eaten food behind on the table where they sat. They piled in the car Dream now driving and an idea popped into Dream’s head, “You know Sapnap why don’t we have a sleepover tonight” Dream suggested. This way he could make sure Sapnap was didn't go into another panic attack while they weren’t there. “Yeah sure, I don’t have any clothes though” Sapnap said, “You can borrow some of mine” Dream said. “No it’s ok, maybe we can stop by my place and pick up some stuff” Sapnap asked. Dream nodded “Sure”. 

They pulled into the apartment and Sapnap went to get out, “Umm you can stay out here I will only be a minute” Sapnap said. “Well I was hoping I could use the bathroom I am busting” George asked “Oh yeah sure” Sapnap said going to the front door as Dream and George got out also exchanging glances. They went into the apartment Dream’s jaw dropped, it was a mess like a hurricane had been though it. As George made his way to the bathroom and Sapnap went to collect some stuff from the bedroom Dream had a little look around. The kitchen had dirty plates, glasses and cutlery stacked up high collecting dirt in the sink. He walked into the kitchen and opened the cupboards to find them empty. Same with the fridge except for a couple of cans of energy drinks. He made his way back to the bedroom, Sapnap had gone into the bathroom but he noticed a hamper overflowing with dirty clothes and the bed was unmade. His bedroom was littered with trash including a growing pile of finished and half-finished energy drink. The blinds had not been open in weeks and the room was collecting an awful smell. 

He left to go meet up back in the living room to find George. He shook his head in disbelief how could it get this bad, why did he let it get this bad? Dream was accounting all that he saw still in shock at it all, he had no idea what to do or how to help. At that point Sapnap came back in the room and they stopped talking and Sapnap smiled weakly. “Are we ready to go?” Dream asked, Sapnap nodded his head “Sure”. 

They left and drove back to the apartment. “So what movie we watching” George asked, “I don’t know’ Dream said as he sat scrolling through Netflix. They ended up watching some random action movie called ‘Extraction’. Soon Sapnap had passed out, clearly exhausted after the panic attack had caught up with him. And driving all day had honestly tucked Dream out and he is sure George would be jetlagged tomorrow. And if right on cue George was falling asleep. Dream smiled and chuckled, god he would have to carry them both to bed if he ain’t careful and while he is strong, and they’re light he probably couldn’t carry either of them. He woke them both up and as they stirred Dream said “come on sleepyheads time for bed”. They all trudged to bed exhausted and Dream fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow snoring lightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I feel like it has been a hot minute since I was here last, I realise it has only been 4 days but I have done so many chapters of writing I have felt so motivated then I look at other works and feel shitty about what I write lmao. I mean idk I feel like my writing has improved ever so slightly as we have gone along but idk I will finish and come back to this one day and judge. Anyway I wanted to also say thankyou sm for over 100 kudos and all the love I wanted to say something but I didn't want to make an extra note just for that so I am saying thankyou here. I really appreciate you all that checked it out even one chapter or whether you are still sticking around I mean either you guys just are really in need of angst content or it is actually half decent writing someone could bother reading so either way thankyou. I have been so stressed with school but I am so excited for the next couple of chapters it about to get real deep up in here. Alright stay safe ily all


	13. Breakfast Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// mention of self harm, panic attack, mention of food, fainting

Sapnap POV

He woke up on the couch to a dead phone lying on the floor and the smell of bacon, he sat up feeling a little light headed. “Morning sleepyhead” he heard Dream say, “Morning” he croaked. He was dead tired as he sat up head spinning and turned to look at Dream, “I made some breakfast for us all, I just popped out to the shops while you and George were still sleeping” Dream said. Sapnap nodded, he felt nauseous, and his head was pounding, he shut his eyes trying to get it to go away so he could get up. 

“Morning George” he heard Dream say with a gruffled “Morning” back from George. He heard the clatter of plates and the setting of cutlery. “Breakfast is ready Sap” Dream said. Sapnap moved to get up feeling woozy but trying to ignore it. A couple of black spots covered his vision as he took a couple of steps before he heard the call of his name before blacking out.

He woke up feeling a little chilly, as he stirred he realised he was on the floor propped against the couch. “Omg Sapnap are you ok?” he heard George ask. He just groaned and put his hand to his head. He had an awful headache now and he didn’t feel any better, plus for some reason he felt cold despite it being quite warm in Texas. He looked up to see the concerned faces of his two friends, “Sapnap, have you fallen before?” Dream asked. “Mhmm, I think once or twice yeah, nothing unusual” Sapnap said. He heard them gasp and saw them exchange looks. “It is so cold, do you have my hoodie?” Sapnap asked, then it dawned on him his hoodie. The hoodie he had on to hide his scars, he started to panic did they see? Fuck they are gonna leave him if they weren’t already. 

“It’s ok don’t panic we are here ok?” Dream said trying to reassure him. “I think you should keep the hoodie off even though I know you want the hoodie it is too hot to wear ok?” Dream said. George sat there speechless unable to form words. Sapnap knew he was staring at them, he wanted to leave and hide in his room and never come back. He started to cry but he held back the tears trying to keep it together. They both hugged him “you know Sap we love you; I know you are hurting but it’s ok we will get you help and we can stay with you as long as it takes” George said trying to reassure him. He started to bawl as they sat there together for ages as he let it all out. 

Once Sapnap had stopped crying and felt a little better they got up and sat at the table. The food was cold but they didn’t care as they joked and laughed as they ate. ‘You can’t eat remember, you’re fat’ Sapnap pushed his plate away muttering he isn’t hungry. “Ok, well I am glad you ate a little,” Dream said “We were actually going to suggest we come over and help clean the apartment seemed to be a bit of a mess?”. Sapnap nodded, so they finished up their breakfast and got dressed and ready, Sapnap wanted to have a shower as he felt icky. He waited while the water heated up staring at the scars he had made, he felt ugly with them, but he felt he deserved each and everyone of them. 

He turned the shower to be as hot as it could and stepped in washing off the ick of the last 24 hours. As got out and changed into some new clothes he had bought with him the hoodie was still with Dream. The other two then had showers and got ready as they headed over to Sapnap’s. 

They walked into the familiarity of the dump hole of an apartment, “where do we even start?” George mutters. “Right I am going to go to the store and grab cleaning supplies and garage bags,” Dream told them, “You guys start on the mound of washing if Sapnap has washing supplies”. Sapnap nods “I am almost out I can pay you to get more” Sapnap muttered. “No it’s ok, I’ll get it which one?” Dream asked. “Just whatever” Sapnap admits. Dream nods and turns to leave, leaving Sapnap and George to start the massive task of washing. 

They go into the room and start grabbing handfuls to sort by white and dark load. They sort in silence until George comes across a hoodie that seems to be caked in something, Sapnap realised what it is and makes and attempt to grab it but George already knew. George was silent, Sapnap felt judged even though he knew it was in good heart. He could tell George was barely keeping it together not to mention he was super jetlagged and tired and he has had to deal with Sapnap’s shit since he got here so he hasn’t had time to rest and enjoy. Sapnap felt a pang of guilt, he sure felt grateful for them despite the bullshit they stuck with him and he was thankful they did not leave him straight away. “I want to say thankyou George, you know? For putting up with my bullshit” Sapnap muttered. 

George stared at him for a second before dropping the hoodie and embracing Sapnap in a hug. “Of course Sapnap, I love you I mean you’re my best friend how could I not be there?” George said. That did it, the floodgates opened as Sapnap sniffed and tears formed, causing George to start crying his eyes out. They both sat and bawled getting all the emotions out, in the middle Dream walked in. “Are you ok? I was gone for 10 minutes! What did I walk in on?” Dream asked, they both started to laugh. They talked and laughed as they sorted and they managed to chuck on the first load with the three of them sorting. Now for the rest of the house, Dream decided to make the bed and stripped it first before finding new sheets stored away in the cupboard and George set about cleaning up all the rubbish around including the many energy drinks littered on the desk. Sapnap got the task of washing the dishes which was quite a tedious task when faced with the contents of your entire kitchen in the sink. Soon enough they had made quite a dent and it looked better already. 

“Sapnap you have a vacumn?” Dream asked as he came in the kitchen. “Um yeah I think it is in the cupboard in the hallway let me get it?” Sapnap said abandoning the dishes temporarily. “Here” said Sapnap, “Thanks” said Dream before slipping of to the rest of the house. Sapnap’s mind kept wondering off as he washed, it kept coming back to the same question, why did they want to help me? I mean it was pretty obvious to him he was broken and couldn’t be put back together so why are they trying so desperately. 

“Sapnap!” Dream called snapping Sapnap from his daze as he spun around to be meet with a 6 foot 1 giant. “Sorry I know you’re busy but I was wondering what you need from the supermarket apart from groceries? George is going to go and buy some stuff for you so is there anything you think you need?” Dream asked. “Oh ummm probably deodorant and shampoo, conditioner and body wash would be good as I seem to have run out” Sapnap said. Dream nodded “Anything else?” he asked. Sapnap thought for a moment before he asked, “Yeah just some fruit would probably be good”. Dream nodded again and went off again leaving Sapnap to dry the dishes. He heard the vacuum go off as the front door shut meaning they have both gone off to do their chores. 

His mind wondered as the dishes became an automatic routine, he didn’t notice when Dream had moved to his bathroom in an attempt to tidy everything up and put away everything neatly, he only snapped back when he heard a yell of surprise and Sapnap went as fast as he could to make sure Dream was ok. Sapnap stopped dead in his tracks at the doorway, Dream was holding a razor covered in blood, his blood. He saw Dream’s eyes go from the razor he was holding to the cuts littering Sapnap’s arms. Sapnap tried to desperately cover them by crossing his arms. Dream sighed “You know we need to talk about this at some point” Dream said and Sapnap nodded. “We can wait till George gets home then we will” Dream said. Sapnap started to panic, what were they gonna say, would they say they can’t do it anymore? They are gonna leave and give up on him, that he is just to broken. He became aware of someone hugging him, Dream had gotten up and hugged him and Sapnap wrapped his arms around him and hugged back. “We will get through this together ok?” Dream whispered, Sapnap just hugged him tighter. 

They went back to cleaning making good work before shouting from the hallway alerted them that George was back “I’m back and I come baring goods and food” George shouted. George came into the kitchen and plonked the bags of groceries on the kitchen bench. They started unpacking them, basic groceries like milk and bread as well as some vegetables and fruit. “Thankyou, I will paypal you the amount if you just say how much” Sapnap said and George shook his head “no need, you can just take me out dinner sometime” he said with a laugh and made them all chuckle. They sat down and George had bought some classic Macdonalds, they had all gotten a big mac each as well as fries and a coke. “I just got the same because I figured it is food who cares” George said. 

Dream and George chowed down on the food while Sapnap sat there unable to bring himself to take a bit, his mouth was watering it smelt so good. He saw Dream look up and realise Sapnap hadn’t touched his food. “I can make you something else if you don’t want it” Dream suggested. Sapnap shook his head, “Well you have to eat something” George said with a huff. “At least have some fries ok?” Dream tried to reason with him. Sapnap took a fry and held it to his mouth, ‘Go on I dare you, you ugly fat pig’. Sapnap pushed it back down and stormed out closing the door to his bedroom. He leaned against his bedroom door trying to breath, he was having another panic attack. “Sapnap?” he heard Dream calling. He put his head down trying to block it all out, maybe if he just stayed there they would give up and go home and leave him in peace. He heard a knock on his door, “Sapnap? I’m coming in” Dream said, and the door swung open. Dream didn’t say a word but rather just sat on the floor signalling for Sapnap to follow his breathing. They stayed there until Sapnap had controlled his breathing again before Dream said “We need to talk Sapnap”, almost sending him into another panic attack his thoughts going a mile a minute. Dream put his hand on Sapnap’s knee and Sapnap nodded as they both stood up and walked out back to the kitchen table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi I honestly have been so busy this week that I forgot I had to upload today I was checking my emails and a notification for kudos came through which reminded me, hope you all have a good Saturday stay safe ily all.


	14. Discoveries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// mention of self harm, eating habits, fainting, panic attack

Dream’s POV

He woke up to an empty space next to him which was weird as Sapnap was there last night. He decided to get up and head to the store to get some breakfast items for the three of them and he left the comfort of his bedroom after getting changed to see Sapnap passed out on the couch phone in hand, he must of not being able to sleep and passed out there. He grabbed his keys trying to be quiet as to not wake the two people still sleeping. He opened the front door to the fresh Texan air and made his way to the car. He loved the rev of the car as he pulled out of the driveway, flying down the street following the guides of google maps to find the nearest grocery store. 

He pulled in and got out shutting the door with a slam behind him. He went into the store in search of bacon and eggs he wondered around aimlessly before finding what he needed. He grabbed it as well as a couple of essential food items and fruit as well as some coffee for himself. He went to self checkout and scanned it all before stuffing it in a bag and walking out humming to himself. He opened the car door and chucked the bag in the passenger seat before climbing in and starting the car. He drove in silence back to the comfort of the house and tried to be silent as we came through the door and made his way to the kitchen. 

He grabbed a couple of saucepans and started heating up the bacon as he whipped up the eggs grabbing the milk from the fridge. He heard a Sapnap stir right as he finished and was plating up “morning sleepyhead” he said cheerily and he was greeted with a gruffled morning back. “I made some breakfast for us all, I just popped out to the shops while you and George were still sleeping” Dream explained. 

He turned back to plates to put the bacon and turned back around to a half asleep George walking in the room “Morning George” Dream said cheerily and laughed at the gruffled “Morning” he got back. “Hey George can you get the cutlery for me?” Dream asked and George nodded already opening the drawer while Dream got the glasses. They placed it all neatly on the table and Dream was quite proud of himself. “Breakfast is ready Sap” Dream said as he moved to sit in the chair at his place as George did the same. 

He picked up his cutlery and started to cut the bacon but stopped as he heard a thump. He looked around at the noise, it was Sapnap he fainted? He looked at George before they both scrambled to get up abandoning breakfast. They were unsure what to do, they tried to get him to sit up which was a lot harder then it looks when they’re a dead weight. “We should probably get the hoodie off him” George suggested and Dream nodded in agreement. 

They struggled to get it off because they were working with someone unconscious but they weren’t ready for what they found underneath. He heard George audibly gasp unable to look away. It was an awful sight to see the slashes and cuts were obviously intentional and ran deep. Some were purple and looked very recent others had scarred. So this is why he wore hoodies even in the hottest weather. He should have known, wasn’t it obvious it was very weird that he wore long sleeves in such ghastly hot weather. How could he do this to himself? 

George was sobbing and Dream moved to comfort him on the verge of tears himself. They weren’t sure what to do surely they needed to help him, Sapnap was clearly struggling. Sapnap stirred “Sapnap are you ok?” George asked clearly distressed. Sapnap groaned and they watched as he moved his hand to his head, he was probably in pain as he most likely banged his head. Dream needed to ask the question he was dreading to ask “Sapnap have you fallen before?”. Sapnap paused before answering “Mhmm, I think once or twice yeah, nothing unusual”. Dream was concerned and it seemed George was too, he shouldn’t be randomly blacking out let alone multiple times. “It is so cold, do you have my hoodie?” Sapnap asked, then they saw his eyes widen as he realised he didn’t have it on and Dream guessed he was worried that they had seen the damage. “It’s ok don’t panic we are here ok?” Dream said trying to reassure Sapnap, “I think you should keep the hoodie off even though I know you want the hoodie it is too hot to wear ok?”. He tried to nudge George so he would stop staring at the cuts, it was the least helpful to sit there and gawk at Sapnap like it is something weird. 

Sapnap looked like he was about to cry so both boys put their arms around him trying to console the man. George said some comforting words and Sapnap let it all out as they sat there. Once he had finished, they got up and went to sit at the table to finish the breakfast he had made and Dream grabbed two panadols from the cupboard for Sapnap's headache. It was cold but Dream didn’t care he was just glad he could be here with Sapnap and George. 

They joked and laughed like old times trying to make Sapnap smile. Once they finished Dream suggested they tackle Sapnap’s apartment today as it seems to need some help. They cleaned up and got ready for the day before piling in the car. It didn’t take long for them to reach the apartment and as they walked in Dream tried to prepare themselves for the mess but it didn’t help the guilt Dream felt inside for the mess Sapnap was in.

“Right I am going to go to the store and grab cleaning supplies and garage bags,” Dream told them, “You guys start on the mound of washing if Sapnap has washing supplies”. They both nod and Sapnap offers to pay but Dream refuses, he checks he has his keys and wallet before saying goodbye and taking the car. He drove down the road unsure of what to make of the situation Sapnap needs help, he needs to go therapy. He is self-harming and he isn’t eating, he isn’t taking care of himself either but I don’t want to feel like we are forcing him to go otherwise I know he won’t.

Dream’s worries circled around as he pulled into the parking lot. He needed to call someone but who? He calls the first number he could of think of and they pick up, “Hello?” a British accent answers. “Hey Wilbur, um can I ask you something?” Dream said, he knew Sapnap probably didn’t want people knowing but he isn’t able to speak with George in private and he has no idea what to do. “Yeah of course are you ok?” Wilbur asked. Dream sighed “Yes I am ok, but…” he paused, “I’m in Texas right now at the supermarket, because me and George noticed Sapnap didn’t seem right and the hunch was right, Wilbur he isn’t eating and he is self harming and I have no idea what to do” Dream was a blubbering mess he felt his breath hitch and he felt like he couldn’t breath. 

“Ok ok, Dream I need you to breath follow my breaths in and out” Wilbur said. Dream tried to copy Wilbur instantly feeling calmer, but still quite upset. “Alright, so let me get this straight Sapnap is self harming?” Wilbur asked. Dream nodded before realising Wilbur couldn’t see him and said “yes” still feeling choked up. “And he isn’t eating?” Wilbur asked, “yes, and his apartment is a mess, that’s why I’m at the supermarket to grab supplies to help clean it” Dream said. “Mhm,” said Wilbur “I am glad he has such amazing friends that want to help but remember Dream, he needs to be able to realise he needs help himself you can’t force him to and you can’t go doing everything because it will take a toll on the both of you it seems to already have” Wilbur said as Dream sat there quietly. “Thankyou Wilbur” Dream said, “I have to go” “ok, call me any time” Wilbur said as they hung up. 

He let out a sigh of relief he was right but they just needed Sapnap to see it. He got out and got the supplies quickly before driving back to the house, “I’m back” he called to be meet with silence. That’s weird, he went into the bedroom to see them on the floor holding eachother crying, “Are you ok? I was gone for 10 minutes! What did I walk in on?” Dream said with a chuckle. They both laughed as they got busy starting the first load of clothes. He was then set with the task of replacing the bed with new sheets which he managed the first half fine, but the new sheets didn’t want to go on as he wrestled them for 5 minutes attempting to put on each corner of the mattress without it slipping off. He ended up recruiting George to help him and together they fixed the pillows up making the bed presentable. 

Next he needed to clean the layer of filth off the floors with the help of the vacuum and a mop. He went to the kitchen to ask Sapnap where about’s his vacuum is and set about vacuuming the floor before he was interrupted by George “Hey, I’m gonna get some groceries and lunch for us all” George said and Dream nodded “Yeah, let’s see if there is anything Sapnap needs and then you can go” Dream said as they walked to the kitchen abandoning the vacuum. He called to Sapnap a couple of times as he seemed to be in another world before he stirred “Sorry I know you’re busy but I was wondering what you need from the supermarket apart from groceries? As you’re busy but George is going to go and buy some stuff for you so is there anything you think you need apart from food?” Dream asked. “Oh ummm probably deodorant and shampoo, conditioner and body wash would be good as I seem to have run out” Sapnap said. Dream nodded “Anything else?” he asked. He waited as Sapnap thought for a moment before he said, “yeah just some fruit would probably be good”. Dream nodded again and went off again leaving Sapnap to dry the dishes and reported back to George before taking back up the task of vacuuming. 

He did the living room and other bathroom before turning to Sapnap’s bedroom. He started vacuuming the bedroom before finishing in his bathroom. It was a mess and Dream decided it was his next task. He cleaned the benchtops and mirrors carefully before facing the painful task of reorganising the cupboards. He opened each cupboard to see what the contents inside was so he could organise it all, it seemed to not have a lot some toothbrush and toothpaste, mouthwash, towels and other stuff. He opened the bottom drawer to reach inside and find something he didn’t expect that made him give a surprise yelp. 

He heard Sapnap come running seconds later as he emerged in the doorway panting. Dream was holding a razor it looked like something you would shave with, it was quite sharp and it was even covered in a small amount of blood. He watched as the colour from Sapnap’s face drained and he crossed his arms in an attempt to hide the damage, he seemed ashamed. Dream sighed “You know we need to talk about this at some point” Dream said and Sapnap nodded. “We can wait till George gets home then we will” Dream said. He stood up and crossed to the doorway, he flung his hands around Sapnap and he accepted gracefully. “We will get through this together ok?” Dream reassured him as Sapnap buried his head and squeezed him tighter. They got back to chores and Dream threw the blade in the trashcan in the bathroom to take out later. 

Soon they heard the familiar slam of a door and the yell indicating food had arrived. They meet George in the kitchen and quicky unpacked the groceries so they could sit down and eat as he didn’t know about the others but Dream was famished. He started chomping down on a big mac finishing it in a couple of bites as he noticed out of the corner of his eye Sapnap hadn’t touched his food and George had almost finished. “I can make you something else if you don’t want it” Dream suggested and Sapnap shook his head. “Well you have to eat something” George said with a huff. “At least have some fries ok?” Dream tried to reason with him. They both watched in anticipation as Sapnap held a fry up to his mouth before pausing. 

Sapnap stood up without warning and walked off to the bedroom leaving the two boys in a state of shock unsure if they should follow him. George stood up and Dream indicated for him to sit back down which George obeyed, Dream sighed got up and walked towards the bedroom. He heard sobbing and his heart broke, he wanted Sapnap to be ok he wanted to take his pain away, but he didn’t know how. 

He wiped his eyes, he needed to be strong for Sapnap. “Sapnap?” he called, “Sapnap I’m coming in”. The door swung open to a broken man sitting on the floor, he looked hopeless and broken he had to much to deal with for a 19 year old. Dream sat on floor and got Sapnap to follow his breathing. He was able to calm down and he seemed a little more relaxed. “We need to talk Sapnap”, Dream said placing his hand on Sapnap’s knee to reassure him. He watched as Sapnap’s eyes widen but he nodded and Dream stood up and Sapnap followed his lead. Together they walked back to George and sat down Dream caught George’s eye and gave him a half smile, he looked worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Happy Saint Pat's day to anyone that celebrates and happy Wednesday! Funny story my computer kept crashing while I was writing today and I thought I lost a good chunk of a chapter I was writing but lucikly it found the work and I was able to recover it but I was about to cry. Anyway hope you enjoy it is starting to get more angsty now, see yah Saturday going to go do study for a math test or maybe watch the missed Quackity lore idk if I feel productive or not but wish me luck dkdowqdw

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, yes it was a sad ending I am actually really happy with how this turned out originally this was meant to be a oneshot piece but I have many ideas of some different character pov's and stuff I could add if you wanted to see that. Also the quotes in ' ' were thoughts originally meant to be in italics but they didn't work so hopefully that shoud make sense in the story anyway hope you enjoyed.
> 
> I want to add if you were ever feeling this way and you needed someone to talk to please reach out, trust me there are people that want to help you aren't alone,
> 
> Hi Edit Here, Thankyou for all the love and kudos it is very much appreciated that you loved it so much, if you have anything I need to change then feel free to let me know as I haven't really done any fanfics in my writing before so and I glad that you guys have enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. 
> 
> Australian 13 11 14  
> Canada 1-833-456-4566  
> UK 0800 58 58 58  
> US 1-800-273-8255
> 
> and if you are in any immediant danger call your emergency services 
> 
> let me know what else you want to see in the future I am very excited, I hope this isn't a trigger for people but if it is going to be please let me know so I can take it down immediantly


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